"SHOCK TREATMENT" Screenplay by Richard O'Brien and Jim Sharman Book and Lyrics by Richard O'Brien Music by Richard Hartley and Richard O'Brien Copyright 1980 (c) All Rights Reserved Michael White Ltd. 13 Duke Street St. James, London SW1Y 6DB. U.K. SHOOTING SCRIPT October, 1980 THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW featured an ordinary couple, Brad and Janet, innocent victims of a flat tyre and a wet night, caught in a bizarre Horror Movie nightmare. SHOCK TREATMENT features Brad and Janet, innocent members of a live TV audience, drawn into a new and equally bizarre nightmare of Soap Operas, Game Shows and Media Manipulation. The madness accelerates until they don't know where Television ends and reality begins. CAST FARLEY FLAVORS A Sponsor BRAD MAJORS A Hero JANET MAJORS A Heroine COSMO McKINLEY A Doctor NATION McKINLEY A Doctor JUDGE OLIVER WRIGHT A Local Expert BETTY HAPSCHATT A "Denton Dossier" Host RALPH HAPSCHATT A "Faith Factory" Host BERT SCHNICK A "Marriage Maze" Host NEELY PRITT A Documentary Person MACY STRUTHERS An Ambitious Person VANCE PARKER A Security Officer HARRY WEISS A Father EMILY WEISS A Mother RICKY A Nurse ANSALONG A Nurse OSCAR DRILL A Singer BRENDA DRILL A Teenager GLISH DAVISON A Musician DRUMMER A Musician KIRK IDLE A Caterer IRWIN LAPPSY A Car Salesman MRS. DRILL Another Mother FLOOR MANAGER WARDROBE MAKE-UP THREE SOLDIERS THREE PATRIOTIC WIVES THREE REDNECKS SCHOOL KIDS IN COMMERCIAL MUSICIANS (5) NEELY'S CREW (1) D.T.V. CREW (3) AND THE AUDIENCE "SHOCK TREATMENT" FADE IN THE ENTIRE FILM IS LOCATED IN A TELEVISION STUDIO. SHOT OF MOON 1 Clouds passing. VOICE OVER Once upon a time. In a town not far from yours... CLOSEUP - FARLEY'S FACE 2 wreathed in cigar smoke. VOICE OVER ...there lived a real fast guy... OVERTURE 3 DIGITAL TITLES PROCEED ACROSS BOTTOM OF FRAME. CAMERA PULLS BACK ON interior control room. FARLEY sitting in executive chair in front of a wall of monitors. IMAGES OF TITLES reading "D.T.V.," "MARRIAGE MAZE," "DENTONVALE," "HAPPY HOMES," "DENTON DOSSIER," "FAITH FACTORY" INERSPERSED ON MONITORS WITH SHOT OF studio activity. Farley is sitting at a table flanked by VANCE PARKER standing at attention. To his right are seated MAC and NATION. To his left RALPH and MACY. Directly opposite him, back to CAMERA, is BERT SCHNICK. VOICE OVER His life was fast. His friends were fast. Even his food was fast... Parker moves to stairwell exit. VOICE OVER But he was still not satisfied... PULL BACK TO REVEAL control room facade. A billboard with "DENTON. HOME OF HAPPINESS" in neon illuminates a heart-shaped logo which closes on interior scene. The control room and facade are suspended over a studio-audience seating block. Parker appears on staircase and proceeds down aisle to consult with FLOOR MANAGER and crew. Floor Manager moves across to dressing rooms adjacent to seating. He knocks on doors then proceeds down spiral staircase. VOICE OVER He wanted to share his fast philosophy with someone else... Floor Manager crosses behind the studio setup for opening song with giant Hollywood-epic letters spelling "D-E-N-T-O-N." VOICE OVER ...a beautiful girl. Floor Manager proceeds to Parker now positioned by studio door VOICE OVER Trouble was...she was in the arms of someone else... ANGLE ON STUDIO DOORS 4 They slide back to reveal awaiting AUDIENCE under a nightscape of moon and clouds. DIGITAL TITLES CONTINUE ACROSS BOTTOM OF FRAME as Audience proceed towards seating block passing CAMERA in twos and threes, staring INTO LENS like passersby viewing themselves in shop-window video displays. As overture continues we PICK UP ON various elements of studio preparation -- wardrobe racks being wheeled, cameras setting up shots, artists readying themselves, lighting adjustments etc. As overture concludes Audience have settled and CAMERA HAS LIGHTED ON title card reading "D.T.V. - COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENT." DENTON U.S.A. 5 HIGH ANGLE OF "D-E-N-T-O-N" letters against cyc. CRANE DOWN TO CLOSEUP of NEELY PRITT in f.g. NEELY YOU'LL FIND HAPPY HEARTS AND SMILING FACES AND TOLERANCE FOR THE ETHNIC RACES IN DENTON SHOT OF "D-E" letters. CUT. MOM appears in "D" at sewing machine. DAD appears clipping hedge in "E." DAD YOU'LL FIND A RAMBLING ROSE AND A PICKET FENCE MOM TENDERNESS AND INNOCENCE IN DENTON` SHOT OF "N" and "T" with Officer Parker in "N." PARKER YOU'LL FIND CONFERENCE ROOMS AND A CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND DENTON IS A REAL OKAY TOWN CIVIC PRIDE AND CIVIC DUTY AND DENTON GIRLS ARE Letter "T" produces TWO CHEERLEADERS. Parker whistles. PARKER FULL OF BEAUTY. CHEERLEADERS YOU MAY CALL US THE GOODY GOODY TWO SHOES BUT WE'RE HERE TO CHEER YOU WITH THE GOOD NEWS THAT D-E-N-T-O-N GETS T-E-N THAT'S TEN OUT OF TEN SHOT OF letters "O" and "N" containing Ralph and Macy. Ralph is phoning from "O" while Macy relaxes on "N." RALPH AND MACY IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A LIFE OF LEISURE YOU'RE GONNA GET A WHOLE LOT OF PLEASURE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 6 They are staring at monitors suspended above and SINGING in unison. AUDIENCE DENTON DENTON...YOU'VE GOT NO PRETENTION YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS...YOU'RE OKAY DENTON DENTON...I'D JUST LIKE TO MENTION YOU'RE THE HOME OF YOUTH YOU'RE AMERICA'S TRUTH CAMERA CRANES TO billboard facade. AUDIENCE YOU'RE DENTON DENTON U.S.A. ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 7 interspersed with: QUICK SHOTS ON PERCUSSIVE BEAT 8 A. DAD clipping and smiling. B. MOM sewing and smiling. C. CHEERLEADERS smiling. D. RALPH phoning and smiling. E. MACY relaxing and smiling. AUDIENCE DENTON DENTON...YOU'VE GOT NO PRETENTION YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS...YOU'RE OKAY DENTON DENTON...I'D JUST LIKE TO MENTION YOU'RE THE HOME OF YOUTH YOU'RE AMERICA'S TRUTH YOU'RE DENTON DENTON U.S.A. On repeat chorus Audience rises from their seats in patriotic fervour. SHOTS OF individual groups accelerate in CUTTING TO conclude on repetition of CRANE ON "Denton" billboard. AUDIENCE DENTON! DENTON! YOU'VE GOT NO PRETENTION YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS! YOU'RE OKAY! DENTON! DENTON! I'D JUST LIKE TO MENTION YOU'RE THE ACCEPTABLE FACE OF THE HUMAN RACE YOU'RE DENTON! DENTON!... DENTON! U!S!A! ANGLE ON "DENTON DOSSIER" SET 9 The words "DENTON DOSSIER" appear. CRANE DOWN set TO REVEAL the compere BETTY HAPSCHATT. During the following dialogue PULL BACK TO REVEAL Betty seated behind "Denton Dossier" desk with her guest -- JUDGE OLVER WRIGHT. Both have prominent nameplates on the desk. BETTY Well how about that? Wasn't that terrific? A community anthem brought to you by our new sponsor Farley Flavors whose new program 'Faith Factory' premieres on this channel tomorrow night. I, for one, can't wait! Now let's turn to our regular in-depth discussion with Judge Oliver Wright, Denton's leading social scientist. BETTY (Cont.) (addresses him) Did you enjoy our anthem Judge Wright? OLIVER In a way... BETTY I detect a note of reticence. Are you, perhaps, one of those amongst us who feel this emotive form of presentation is overly manipulative? OLIVER Well, Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly... ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 10 Neely Pritt is documenting their response. She breaks off to talk to two old friends -- BRAD and JANET MAJORS. Rest of the Audience stare blankly at monitors. OLIVER (voice over) Monetary inducements. NEELY Hi Brad! Hi Janet! Come for the Marriage Maze? OLIVER (voice over) Seduction. Brad and Janet nod. NEELY I'm exhausted working on this documentary about Farley's new show. Janet looks puzzled. Neely explains: NEELY Farley Flavors! Our new sponsor. (makes "hot" gesture) Wheeew! OLIVER (voice over) Prejudice. NEELY (confiding) I tell you, Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come to a successful man in this town. Brad looks uncomfortable. OLIVER (voice over) Lies! Janet smiles enigmatically. COMMERCIAL FOR FARLEY FLAVORS FABULOUS FAST FOOD 11 Red, white and blue logo for Farley Flavors surrounding blackboard, KIDS and Teacher (played by Macy). TEACHER Let's hear the five 'F's' for today. F for... KIDS Farley! TEACHER F for... KIDS Flavors! TEACHER F for... KIDS Fabulous! TEACHER F for... KIDS Fast! TEACHER F for... KIDS Foods! Cheers, hysteria etc. Kids run to blackboard as CAMERA TILTS DOWN ON logo. VOICE OVER First and foremost Farley Flavors Fabulous Fast Foods feed and fortify families for a fabulous future! Logo spins (OPTICAL). ANGLE ON "MARRIAGE MAZE" SET 12 Oliver and Betty crossing studio from "Denton Dossier" set. In the b.g. preparations are underway for the "Marriage Maze." Activity and Floor Manager banter. ("Hurry it up. Bert's entrance will be on camera two, etc.") BETTY Thank you so much, Judge Wright, for another wonderful interview. OLIVER Judge Wright? Now, Betty? First name terms, surely! BETTY (charmed) Oh, Oliver, you're so tolerant. Time for a coffee before you rush off? OLIVER Delighted, Betty -- That is if you don't mind being seen with an older man. BETTY Why, Oliver, since Ralph and I separated maturity is something I look for in a man. Neely appears. NEELY (enthused) Hi, Betty! BETTY (less enthused) Hello, Neely. NEELY You keep up that high standard of interview and I'll have to include you in Farley's documentary. You were so... probing! Neely passes on -- Betty grits her teeth -- OLIVER A free thinker. BETTY Everything's free there. FLOOR MANAGER Stand by -- Quiet please -- Cue intro -- Cue Bert -- three seconds -- We heard a drum roll. VOICE OVER And here, to bring you your just desserts and a recipe for a perfect marriage, is that gorgeous gourmet, tossing the uproarious salad of life, counselor Bert Schnick! Applause. Fanfare. Bert appears with sunglasses and a cane. He's blind. The "Marriage Maze" has three entrances, "Happy Home," "Home Base," "Rest Home." In front is a contestant podium with central placement for Bert and, either side, seats marked "Him" and "Her." BERT Sank you -- Velcome -- Sank you! Before ve shstart I vant to say vun or two vurds aboud tomorrow night's big new show 'Faith Factory' -- unt -- oh yah -- we hef ze host unt hiss lofley co-host right here in ze audience -- giff a bick hend -- to Ralph Hepshett unt ze vivacious Mazy Struthers -- Let's get a camera over zere -- We SEE Ralph and Macy in the Audience. They half-stand and wave self-consciously. (Here we discontinue phonetics in Bert's accent.) BERT Loved the commercial, Macy! MACY Thanks, Bert! BERT You got a good show for us tomorrow, Ralph? RALPH You bet, Bert. BERT Good! I'm gonna be there. Betty shoots a jealous look at her ex-husband Ralph. BETTY Macy Struthers -- God I must have been blind -- still, the weaker the man, the dumber the blonde. OLIVER Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting down front? What an ideal couple. We SEE Brad and Janet sitting together. OLIVER (voice over) More than anyone else in Denton they represent the old values. CUT BACK TO Oliver and Betty. OLIVER (not without irony) Eisenhower would have been proud of them. CUT TO Bert who seems to be receiving instructions from a small earplug. BERT So would the first couple who seem to have made a hash of their marriage and cooked their goose step this way please. He points to a surprised Brad and Janet. JANET That's us. BRAD I don't want to get up there. JANET We've got to, Brad, everyone's watching. BERT What's cooking down there? Come up here and let's feel you! Indulgent laughter at "blind" joke. CUT TO Oliver and Betty who register astonishment. CUT TO Brad and Janet taking their "Him" and "Her" places. BERT That's it -- Look at the camera -- INT. CONTROL ROOM 13 Farley's chair swivelled to face monitors. A WALL of Brad and Janet IMAGES. BERT (voice over) Introduce yourselves. JANET (voice over) I'm Janet Majors and this is my husband Brad. Farley SWIVELS INTO CLOSEUP. "MARRIAGE MAZE" 14 BERT We've been hearing some bad things about you, Brad. JANET He needs help. CUT TO a concerned Oliver and Betty. BERT (voice over) Face it, Janet! Brad's an emotional cripple. Audience roar with laughter. JANET I know, I know, it's just... BERT Looks like 'Rest Home' for this marriage. SHOT OF "REST HOME" lights flickering. Applause. BERT Do you watch 'Dentonvale,' Janet? JANET I've caught it once or twice. BERT Of course! D.T.V.'s most popular Hospital series featuring those perennial favorites, Cosmo and Nation McKinley. Neuro-specialists par excellence ...if you'll pardon my French. I recommend you send Brad to them for treatment! Oliver and Betty can't believe it. JANET I know he's boring but... Neuro-specialists! That sounds pretty drastic. BERT It's no use pussyfooting around, Janet -- we have to cut quick and deep. OLIVER (as if he has heard the name before) McKinley?...McKinley? BETTY Bert brought them over from Europe. They had a very popular series together. It's still rerun in a lot of countries. You must have seen them in 'Dentonvale?' OLIVER Never watch it. BERT There's no use delaying another moment. Floor Manager holds a card, reading "DENTONVALE," up to cue Audience. BERT I'm afraid there's only one solution. Tell them, Folks. One, two, three... AUDIENCE (shout) DENTONVALE!!! BERT (to camera) Don't go away. We'll be right back to see if Brad and Janet want to play or pass... Shocked look from Betty. Oliver glances suspiciously towards control room. BILLBOARD 15 SHADOW of Farley on heart. INT. "MARRIAGE MAZE" SET 16 Commercial break. Technicians make adjustments. Bert pats Janet's shoulder. BERT Congratulations! I think your're making a wise decision. Bert moves o.s. JANET But... He's gone. BRAD I'm not going, Janet. JANET (trapped) What are you trying to do? Make Bert look like a fool? He's made all the arrangements. BRAD But I don't need treadment. Brad knocks over Bert's water jug. BERT (o.s.) You need glasses, Brad! Laughter. JANET (furious) I'm sick of being humiliated by you! Bert's right! You're going! Floor Manager wheels in monitor running commercial. "BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN" 17 The commercial FEATURES product SHOTS. A. HAND presses button on blender. It blends. B. HAND takes toast from pop-up toaster. C. HAND opens refrigerator groaning with food. D. HAND takes knife from drawer and sharpens blade. E. FOOT pedals trash can. F. PERCOLATOR bubbles. G. DIGITAL CLOCK RADIO computes. H. HAND opens shower curtain on steam. I. HAND squeezes toothpaste. J. HAND runs silk scarf down leg. ANGLE ON CONTESTANTS' AREA 18 Brad and Janet stare at monitor with glazed expressions. This INTERCUTS WITH monitor SHOTS. BRAD DEAR BLENDER? OH WON'T YOU HELP A FIRST OFFENDER OH TOASTER? DON'T YOU PUT THE BURN ON ME... RE-FRIGE-ERATOR WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SOONER OR LATER BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR CRYING IN THE BEDROOM ALL NIGHT. DEAR KNIFE DRAWER, WON'T YOU HELP ME TO FACE LIFE MORE... OH TRASH CAN, DON'T YOU PUT THE DIRT ON ME OH PERC-O-LATOR WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SOONER OR LATER... BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR CRYING IN THE BEDROOM AL NIGHT. D.T.V. CAMERA WIPES FRAME as we PAN TO Janet. JANET EVERYTHING USED TO BE OKAY BUT I'VE BEEN HAD AND BRAD I'M GLAD TO SAY IS ON HIS WAY. MICRO-DIGITAL AWAKER WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SOONER OR LATER BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR CRYING IN THE BEDROOM ALL NIGHT. SHOWER CURTAIN WON'T YOU HELP ME TO BE CERTAIN OH TOOTHPASTE DON'T YOU PUT THE SQUEEZE ON ME DE-PIL-A-TATOR WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SOONER OR LATER BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR CRYING IN TH BEDROOM ALL NIGHT. ANGLE ON "MARRIAGE MAZE" ENTRANCE 19 Bert stands by "REST HOME." A Male Nurse (RICKY) appears with wheelchair. BERT Hey, Folks! It's Ricky from the Rest Home. Applause. BERT What do you say, Ricky? Ricky wheels to Brad and Janet. RICKY (brightly) I've come for Mr. Majors, Ma'am. Janet helps Brad to chair. RICKY Nothing serious I hope? JANET No. Just a routine checkup. BERT (to Audience) Just a routine checkup, Folks! Laughter from Audience. Janet turns to CAMERA. JANET TELL ME, SPECTATOR WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SOONER OR LATER BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR CRYING IN THE BEDROOM ALL NIGHT. Wheelchair DISAPPEARS down "REST HOME" Avenue. Audience applaud. CAMERA CRANES UP TO SHADOW OF Farley behind billboard heart. Bert is o.s. with headset. BERT The subject is committed. As are we all. TITLE - "DENTONVALE" 20 VOICE OVER This week's special guests are Brad and Janet Majors in tonight's episode. 'The Arrival.' INT. "DENTONVALE" OFFICE 21 White Room. Mac and Nation behind twin desk. Filing cabinets encircle them. Double doors opposite them fly open and Janet, Ricky and Brad enter. Cosmo (Mac) McKinley rises to greet them. MAC Ah. Mr. And Mrs. Majors. How wonderful to see you. I am Dr. Cosmo McKinley and this is my sister, and colleague, Nation McKinley. NATION We understand you've been going through a rather trying time. JANET Well yes, but... Brad leaps out of wheelchair. BRAD Listen! There's nothing wrong with me... It's just that Janet and I haven't... Ricky hypos him -- as he drops, he kicks the wheelchair under him. MAC (to Janet) Does he do that often? Stunned, she doesn't know Ricky hit him with the hypo. JANET No! He's never done that before. MAC Good! Well there's still hope. Lots of hope. Ricky straightens Brad in wheelchair. NATION (softly) If anyone can help Brad. We can. Mac nods to Ricky who leaves. JANET Well, he needs help. NURSE ANSALONG runs in -- colliding with the departing Ricky. MAC Ah. Nurse Ansalong - you're here. Ricky continues on his way. ANSALONG (adjusting uniform) Well it was pretty short notice but I... NATION ATTEND to Mr. Majors, Nurse. Ansalong adjusts wheelchair and herself. MAC There are just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with, Mrs. Majors. There are contracts to be signed... But Ansalong has started to wheel Brad away -- Janet wants to follow. Nation grabs the contract and glances at it. JANET Could I do that later? NATION Of course. Janet follows Brad -- Mac grabs the contract back and chases after them. INT. CORRIDORS 22 Ansalong wheels Brad. Janet keeps up. Mac appears behind them. ANSALONG (sotto voce) Sign the contract tomorrow... Mac catches up. MAC (with papers) Just one or two details. Does he have any living relatives? Blood relatives? JANET No...couldn't I do this later? Nation catches up with them. NATION Of course. Nation restrains Mac. Ansalong continues with Brad in wheelchair and Janet trying to keep up. JANET (to Ansalong) Why did you tell me not to sign now? The wheelchair is pushed through double doors at the end of the corridor. Janet follows. CAMERA TILTS UP TO neon above door reading "TERMINAL WARD." ANSALONG (distant voice) Well this way, you get the first day free. "MARRIAGE MAZE" 23 Janet's parents in "Him" and "Her" places. Bert in full swing. MOM About Brad's family? BERT As Janet's parents this should be really easy. Your last clue... Mental Instability. You have thirty seconds. Digital timer SUPERIMPOSED. DAD (puzzling) Mental instability? MOM He was adopted you know. DAD I'd forgotten. MOM Well I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married. I said to Janet 'What do we know of his parents?' BERT Which leads us to...? Audience tense. Seconds click. Dad shakes head. MOM Infantile regression? Bells ring. Wild applause. BERT You got it! MOM I got it! I got it!!! BERT Congratulations! It's 'Happy Homes' for Harry and Emily Weiss of Denton. Janet's Mom dissolves into tears as they are led down "Happy Homes" avenue. INT. CONTROL ROOM 24 Farley watching IMAGES of Brad's ward on monitors. INT. TERMINAL WARD - "IN MY OWN WAY" 25 Brad's wheelchair is parked in a circular cage. Janet circles around it. JANET IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW TO WIN SOME PRIZES IF ONLY YOU KNEW -- HOW TO PLAY IF YOU COULD SLEEP NIGHTS AND STOP YOUR CRYING YOU MIGHT FIND OUT I STILL LOVE YOU IN MY OWN WAY INT. CORRIDORS 26 Janet leaves ward. Proceeds around corridors until she reaches "HOME BASE." JANET IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH THEN I'M SO SORRY I MET YOU IT WAS ALMOST LIKE LEADING YOU ON BUT THERE'S MORE TO IT ALL THEN JUST WRINGING YOUR HEART OUT OVER SOMEETHING THAT KEEPS ON GOING WRONG SO DON'T TELL ME YOU LOVE ME HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS Janet has arrived at "DEAD END." JANET NO DON'T SELL EMOTION YOU CAN'T BUY DEVOTION WHEN YOU'RE FALLING APART AT THE SEAMS Janet turns around and continues her journey, returning along "Home Base" and turning down "Happy Homes". JANET I HOPE THAT YOU'LL SMILE WHEN YOU REACH YOUR CONCLUSION I HOPE THAT YOU'LL KNOW JUST WHAT TO SAY BUT IF IT SHOULD MEAN THAT THE PARTY IS OVER YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I STILL LVOE YOU YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I STLL LOVE YOU IN MY OWN WAY Janet has arrived at a door ending the corridor. Mom appears through door holding (behind her back) a dress. MOM Oh my poor baby. JANET Oh. Mom. It's Brad. MOM I know. They hug, Mom only using one arm. MOM I know baby. He's going to get all the help he needs but in the meantime -- Look!!! For you. She pulls out the dress and savagely bites off a piece of cotton after which she thrusts the dress towards Janet. Holding it by the shoulders, she lets it drop and we SEE it's a replica of the one she herself is wearing -- a red Chinese "Cheong Sam." MOM They call it a new look at an old favourite I copied it from the 'Window on the World' show. The Far East meets the Mid-West! JANET It's... MOM Just what the Doctor ordered. I know. Come on in, my favourite show's just started. JANET (confused) What show? Mom drags Janet inside. MOM 'Dentonvale.' Door shuts. INT. "DENTONVALE" OFFICE 27 Cosmo (Mac) is filing. Nation behind desk is viewing a television set placed on a hospital trolley. Bert is in the guest chair. Nation is viewing Janet's Mom on "Marriage Maze." MOM (voice over) Infantile regression. BERT (voice over) You got it! MOM I got it! I got it!!! Nation switches off television. NATION Our speciality. MAC I can't wait to begin on him. Really, Bert, I don't know what we'd do without you! BERT Well I confess the decision to have Brad committed was not strictly my own. Nation looks secretive. MAC Of course, Mrs. Majors -- Janet -- But I'm puzzled. If she was so keen on getting him in here, why wouldn't she sign the contract? BERT No it wasn't Janet -- exactly -- It was, in fact, your new sponsor. MAC SPONSOR!!! BERT Dentonvale has been sold. MAC SOLD??!! NATION Dear old Bert's settled everything. BERT Jah -- you endorse his product -- He endorses your research. MAC HE!!?? How dare this person take advantage of my weakness. NATION (with a secret smile) I don't think he intends to go that far. TITLE - "HAPPY HOMES" 28 TV IMAGE - BOILING JUG 29 ANGLE ON "HAPPY HOMES" SET 30 Dream kitchen. Dad practices golf with a "Putter." Janet look depressed in her, now inappropriate, dress. Mom boils a jug. SCENE BEGINS WITH TV IMAGE OF boiling jug. We PULL BACK as Mom echoes action. She makes coffee. Throughout a VOICE OVER from TV (Mac and Nation's voices) plays AGAINST the SCENE. Mom appraises Janet in the dress. JANET Poor Brad. MOM Thank God he was born an orphan. It would have killed his parents. TV (voice over) 'THANK GOODNESS' MOM And thank goodness he hasn't ended up like the Slepstrini boy. DAD What are you talking about? Danny Slepstrini is a chip off the old block. I played 18 holes of golf with his father just last week. And Hank says Danny's moved to New York. (pause) To better himself. MOM He moved all right! When they found him with fifteen other naked men at the back of Wilson's Bakery. Dad's mouth starts opening and closing. JANET (quietly) Mexicans. Dad makes for the door. DAD I'm going to catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside. He leaves. Blushing scarlet. MOM (to Janet) You shouldn't have said that. JANET Why? MOM Your father doesn't like Mexicans. THANK GOD I'M A MAN 31 Dream garage and lawn. Garage door tilts up. Dad revs mower and proceeds to mow down a strip of lawn lined by columns trimmed in ivy. DAD A MAN SHOULD CALL THE TOSS...WEAR THE PANTS AND BE THE BOSS A MAN SHOULD BE THE DRAKE FOR HIS OWN DAMNED SAKE... AND MEN SHOULD BE THE MISTERS AND MASTERS OF THEIR SISTERS AND MEN SHOULD BE THE REASON FOR A HEART TO BREAK ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 32 A trio of REDNECKS leap and whoop. ANGLE ON LAWN 33 Dad continues mowing. DAD A MAN SHOULD CUT THE LAWN...CHANGE A TYRE... MEND THE WORN A MAN SHOULD NEVER WAIT TO OIL A RUSTING GATE MEN SHOULD HOLD THE KEY POSITIONS IN OUR COUNTRY'S GREAT TRADITIONS A MAN SHOULD PUT THE FOOD UPON THE FAMILY PLATE. ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 34 A TRIO OF SOLDIERS. SOLDIERS SO BE MORAL DON'T QUARREL FAIR AND SQUARE IS BEST A TRIO OF PARTRIOTIC WIVES. WIVES LET ME ALERT YOU THAT VIRTUE WON'T HURT YOU OR DESERT YOU REDNECKS IF YOU WEAR HAIR ON YOUR CHEST. AUDIENCE SO ALWAYS REMEMBER TO FOLLOW THE RULES SOLDIERS BOX CLEVER REDNECKS AND JOCKS NEVER ANGLE ON DREAM LAWN 35 DAD Hock another jock's tools... Dad gives mower another rev and starts mowing around columns at an increasing pace. DAD A MAN SHOULD WAX A CAR...FIX A FUSE AND TEND A BAR A MAN SHOULD LIKE HIS BROW TO BE WET WITH SWEAT... MEN SHOULD KNOW THE RIGHT OCCASIONS TO INDULGE IN TAX EVASIONS A MAN SHOULD KNOW THE SETTINGS THAT HIS SPARKING PLUGS GET... (arrives back in garage -- exhausted) FAGGOTS ARE MAGGOTS (mops brow) THANK GOD I'M A MAN Door tilts closed. ANGLE ON WARDROBE AREA 36 Vance gets coffee from catering trolley run by Kirk Idle. Crosses studio to maze entrance just as Janet is rushing from "Happy Home" to "Rest Home." PARKER Hey! What are you trying to do? Get yourself committed? JANET I'm sorry, Officer. PARKER (looks both ways) Vance! Vance Parker. JANET Janet. Janet Majors. It's just that Brad...my husband...is not... very well and... (tears) I don't want to miss the next episode of Dentonvale. PARKER Dentonvale...say, that's for... (goes to tap head, turns in into a scratch) I'm sorry to hear that, Janet. (secretly pleased but can't show it) Look I'm going to let you through, but keep it to yourself, otherwise... JANET Thanks Officer Park...Vance. PARKER Don't worry, Janet. Brad'll probably get just what he needs. Janet proceeds. Vance returns to his coffee but is intercepted by Ralph Hapschatt. Vance passes envelope to Ralph in a furtive manner. INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" OFFICE 37 Adjacent to their set Oliver and Betty work in an office overlooking the studio floor. They are in deep discussion as they drink their coffee. BETTY Conspiracy? That sounds a little farfetched. OLIVER It's happened before. Remember Lieutenant Orpheus? He disappeared into that Underworld series and never came back. BETTY Sounds like my husband. He never came back either. At least not after Flavors gave him a commercial break. OLIVER Ah yes. Farley Flavors. You know, I find it... Ralph is seen approaching through glass door. OLIVER ...remarkable that his 'Faith Factory' is being financed by an entire nation's indigestion. Ralph knocks. Enters. RALPH Oh. Ah, I'm not calling at an inconvenient moment am I? BETTY (icy) Not at all. You have your life. (look to Oliver) And I have mine. RALPH Yeah, well. Here, Betty. (hands envelope) I just came to give you this. Betty grabs envelope as Macy appears by Ralph's side. RALPH I better get going. Tomorrow's the big one, and, well, Farley expects! OLIVER (wry smile) Of course. Betty opens door. RALPH (backing out) I'll leave you young things to it. BETTY (whisper) Shove it, Ralph! RALPH (hisses back) You too, Betty! Door slams. Betty tears open envelope. BETTY Alimony is just another word for rape! She stops on discovering the contents. Their notice of dismissal. BETTY Conspiracy is right. The Denton Dossier is... OLIVER ...closed? Betty nods. INT. CONTROL ROOM 38 Farley views monitors showing Brad's cage with Ansalong feeding him through the bars. INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 39 Mac and Nation dining with their guest Bert Schnick. Bert bangs table. BERT What a meal! I insist on the recipe. Ansalong arrives to clear the table. NATION Coming from a gourmet that's praise indeed. But. No secrets! Ricky enters with TV Trolley. MAC (sulking) With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll be TV dinners from now on. BERT Farley is already a TV winner as we shall see. Dentonvile will run forever now that his interest has embraced mental hygiene. NATION (to enthuse Mac) Our field. MAC What does he know about it? BERT Who do you think gave you the next episode? Scotty presents script marked "The Brad and Janet Show." BERT So that Janet would be free to front line his 'Faith Factory.' Nation peruses script. MAC We're the experts. BERT Who trusts experts? NATION How did you come by this scenario? BERT I am in Farley's employ -- and... (pause) ...we're discussing a network deal. NATION Why Janet? BERT Everyone loves the girl next door, particularly Farley. NATION So it seems. TITLE - "DENTONVALE" 40 VOICE OVER Tonight's episode. 'Janet's Dilemma" INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 41 Janet arrives. MAC AND NATION Janet!! JANET I've come to see Brad. NATION That's out of the question, he's sleeping like a baby. We hear a distant scream. Mac and Nation commence a quick interrogation to unnerve Janet. MAC It's you we're concerned about, Janet. NATION Yes how are you, Janet? Are you happy? JANET I'm...happy. MAC There are countless people in this world who believe they're happy. NATION But they only think they're happy. JANET (impatient) That doesn't make sense. Ricky has switched on television. BERT (indicating television) This might, Janet. TV 42 Video flickers to life with a glamorous "Movie Star" image of FARLEY FLAVORS. Suave in tuxedo, a carnation glistens in his lapel. He looks uncannily like a sophisticated fast-talking version of Brad. FARLEY (voice over) A BIG DENTON WELCOME TO MY NEW DELEGATION THIS IS FARLEY -- I'M HERE WITH THE SCORE WE'RE GONNA' PACKAGE AND SELL SOME MENTAL HEALTH TO THE NATION WITH MY DREAM OF THE GIRL NEXT DOOR. INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 43 Janet looks interested. TV 44 "Movie Star" image animates into song. FARLEY (sings) OH WHY AREN'T THEY DOING TOMORROW'S NEW DANCE STEP THEY WAY THEY USED TO YESTERDAY? AN' WHO DRAWS THE PERFECT CIRCLE ANYMORE? IF YOU'RE WAITING FOR GREATNESS TO SHAKE HANDS WITH YOU YOU'D BETTER DAYDREAM YOUR LIFE AWAY I'VE ONLY WANTED ONE THING AND THAT'S FOR SURE. INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 45 Ansalong, Ricky, Mac and Nation leap in front of the screen. QUARTET YOU'RE NOT JUST LOOKING AT A BIG BUCK KING JUST ANOTHER WELL-KNOWN FACE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT THE KING OF ANYTHING FARLEY I'M GONNA SHOOT FOR THE MOON AND PLAY HIGH NOON I'M GONNA TAKE ON THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE QUARTET YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT A KING. FARLEY YOU'RE LOOKING AT AN ACE. TV 46 FARLEY OOHH I GOT SIGHT AN' I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT AN' I'M GONNA SEE THE COMING DAY WHEN THE SUN IN THE SKY IS A SPOTLIGHT JUST FOR ME I'M GONNA TAKE MY TIME AN' ROCK SOME RHYME THAT'S GONNA TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY I'LL BE THE FRONT PAGE RAGE OF THE AGE JUST WAIT AN' SEE INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 47 During this we SEE Janet's enthusiastic reactions. The Quartet repeat their back-up to Farley. Bert nods approvingly. FARLEY AND QUARTET YOU'RE NOT JUST LOOKING AT A BIG BUCK KING JUST ANOTHER WELL-KNOWN FACE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT THE KING OF ANYTHING FARLEY I'M GONNA SHOOT FOR THE MOON AND PLAY HIGH NOON I'M GONNA TAKE ON THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT A KING YOU'RE LOOKING AT AN ACE. TV 48 Last line repeats as Farley seems to step OUT OF SCREEN and take Janet in his arms ending in a clinch that vanishes with the last chord. INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 49 NATION (to Janet) I love home movies, don't you? Janet is transfixed by the image of Farley. TV 50 Final VOICE OVER OVER Farley's FROZEN IMAGE. FARLEY (voice over) TIME IS TIGHT JANET DO IT RIGHT JANET UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT, JANET. INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 51 Ricky switches off TV JANET I won't be a party to this. I want to see Brad. NATION The question is, does Brad want to see you? Quite frankly, he hates you. JANET (horrified) What do you mean? MAC (softer approach) Brad has deep feelings of hostility towards you. JANET Me? MAC It's classical. Almost a textbook case... Janet cries. MAC That's an extremely negative response. NATION Yes, Janet. Leave the crying to Brad. JANET (through tears) Is it because I'm becoming too popular? BERT On the contrary. He wants to see your ratings soar. He needs a woman of exceptional desirability. NATION So you see, Janet, you can help us to help him. Janet's look reveals the persuasion is working. INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 52 Brad sits bewildered in his cage. INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" - OFFICE 53 Oliver assists Betty pack up. BETTY I bet that Macy Struthers had a hand in this. We'll probably be replaced by an hour of fashion tips! OLIVER Now Betty, don't overreact. BETTY Overreact! You're the one with theories about conspirac... (looks thoughtful, then pleased) Oliver? OLIVER Yes, Betty. BETTY Are you spoken for this evening? Oliver looks non-plussed. INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 54 They have their campaign schedules with "F.F." Logos. They each have "personal attainments" sheets as well. They try to steal looks at each other's sheets while jealously guarding their own. We GLIMPSE Mac's sheet and SEE "The Look." BERT Right! An early start with Janet's debut on 'Good Morning Denton.' By the time we unveil Farley's 'Faith Factory' we will have earned our beauty sleep. JANET Can I just 'peep in' on Brad before I go home? BERT Home? NATION This is the nerve center of operations, Janet. You must stay here tonight. (rings buzzer) That way we can all be here when Mr. Sun paints us a new day with his golden brush. MAC And you can 'peep in' on Brad in the morning. Ansalong appears. NATION Are all the beds made up? ANSALONG Yep. MAC Then have Ricky lock up for the night. GANTRY OVERLOOKING "DENTONVALE" SET 55 Oliver and Betty survey Dentonvale below. OLIVER Clever of you to find this spot, Betty. BETTY It pays to know your way around, Oliver. They survey the set below. OLIVER (quoting "Kubla Khan") A 'stately pleasure home' indeed. BETTY Oh I adore Coleridge Taylor. As a matter of fact... Betty rummages in handbag and produces battered volume of poems. She starts to quote "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner." BETTY 'IT IS AN ANCIENT MARINER AND HE STOPPETH ONE OF THREE BY THE LONG GREY BEARD AND GLITTEREING EYE NOW WHEREFORE STOPP'ST THOU ME' Oliver looks a little uneasy. INT. "DENTONVALE" - DORMITORY 56 CAMERA TRACKS BACK AND FORTH ALONG lighted windows in black wall. Each room has bed and venetian blinds. Characters move between the two. The opening and closing of blinds should sometimes give the impression of lines on a television image. SONG - LULLABY NATION I FEEL THE HEAT FROM YOUR SKIN AND THE STUBBLE ON YOUR CHIN YOU'RE NO GOOD MAC YOU'RE NO GOOD They kiss. NATION YOU'VE GOT DIRT ON YOUR HANDS AND EVERYBODY UNDERSTANDS YOU'RE NO GOOD MAC YOU'RE NO GOOD Mac gets into bed. Nation remains smoking. NATION WHAT A JOKE... MAC WHAT A JOKE... NATION YOU FEL LIKE CHOKING YOU PLAY FOR BROKE... MAC YOU PLAY FOR BROKE... NATION HE LEAVES YOU SMOKING... MAC OH ROMANCE IS NOT A CHILDREN'S GAME... NATION YOU KEEP GOING BACK IT'S DRIVING YOU INSANE We TRACK ALONG PAST Bert's room TO Janet's room. Janet is listless on bed, trying to sleep. JANET DRIFT INTO THE TREACLE DEEP SLIP INTO IS SILENT DEPTHS - GO TO SLEEP WITH YOUR EVERYTHING AKIMBO FLOAT INTO THE SANDMAN'S LIMBO CONTINUES TRACKING TO Ricky and Ansalong. ANSALONG NIGHT NIGHT RICKY NIGHT NIGHT ANSALONG IT'S TIME FOR BYE-BYES IT'S BEEN A GREAT DAY THANKS A HEAP NOW IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE TO GO TO SLEEP CAMERA TRACKS BACK as each light is switched off. ALL SO NIGHT NIGHT (bass: night night) IT'S TIME FOR BYE-BYES IT'S BEEN A GREAT DAY THANKS A HEAP NOW IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE TO GO TO SLEEP CAMERA ENDS ON barred windows of Brad's room. Brad cries quietly in his darkened cell. AUDIENCE 57 Audience have nodded off as well. GANTRY OVERLOOKING STUDIO "B" 58 Oliver has drifted asleep. Betty ends her all-night recital. BETTY '...HE WENT LIKE ONE THAT HATH BEEN STUNNED AND IS OF SENSE FORLORN. A SADDER AND A WISER MAN HE ROSE THE 'MORROW MORN.' Vance Parker crawls up ladder towards them. He finds a dead bird on Gantry and shines torch accusingly on couple. PARKER Does this belong to you? Betty screams. Oliver wakes. Parker is left holding the bird. INT. "DENTONVALE" - DORMITORY 59 Alarm rings by Bert's bed. Ward light flickers on. He gets up and taps his way to showers. He passes shower recess containing Janet. JANET (from shower) When do I get to see Brad? BERT After breakfast. You're sounding tense, Janet. (sneaks a look) Maybe I could give you a little massage? Bert makes obviously "unblind" progress to Janet's shower curtain. A watching shadow appears in doorway. BERT In my time they used to call me the Merlin of Berlin. NATION (quietly from door) They probably meant Irving and wanted you to swing. Bert swings -- around -- his eyesight fraud revealed. NATION (to Janet) Mac's waiting in wardrobe, Janet. (to Bert) Nice to see you up and about, Bert. Care to join me in an on-set snack? Nation smiles cruelly. WARDROBE 60 Mac is fondling clothes. Janet enters. JANET I want to see Brad. MAC I understand your concern, but I feel it's time you started thinking of yourself. (indicates mirror) Look at yourself. Janet doesn't look. MAC You're beautiful! Janet looks. MAC More beautiful than any film star. And I should know. In the old series they came and went in every episode. Janet cannot resist asking. JANET Is it true they're all midgets with big heads? MAC Absolutely true. Compared to all of them, you are perfection, flawless beauty. She blooms. MAC You are the most desirable creature that ever walked. JANET If only Brad could have found it within his heart to say these things to me. MAC He will. But it's up to you to reawaken his feelings. You've got to be fabulous, look, think and appear fabulous. And Farley's given you that chance. You can use the Breakfast Show to knock Denton dead. JANET Do you really think so? MAC You've got a really tight team around you. And everybody needs you! JANET But what'll I do? What'll I say? What'll I wear? "LITTLE BLACK DRESS" 61 MAC EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE BOY DRESSING UP HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY GREATEST JOY BUT WHEN IT'S TIME TO BE DISCREET THERE'S ONE THING YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT THAT'S A STRAPLESS, BACKLESS CLASSICAL LITTLE BLACK MONTAGE OF SEWING, SCISSORS AND FABRIC. MAC FIRST YOU GO RIP RIP RIP THEN YOU GO SNIP SNIP SNIP THEN YOU WHIP IN A ZIP ZIP ZIP AN' SPLIT IT UP TO THE HIP HIP HIP AN' AS YOU STRIP STRIP STRIP YOU QUIVER AND SHIVER FOR THAT SOFT CARESS AS YOU SLIP SLIP SLIP...INTO THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS INT. DRESSING ROOM 62 The room is prepared for Janet's arrival. Flowers around. Bert and Nation circle a table laid out for breakfast. BERT EVER SINCE I WAS THE EINER KELINER HERREN IT WAS THE CORDON BLEU FOR WHICH I AM MOST CARE-EN... AND THE ONE TASTE TREAT SO SWEET THAT REALLY CAN'T BE BEAT... IS WHAT WE HAVE JA? HOW YOU ARE?...CAVIAR! THAT LITTLE BLACK MESS. Mac appears up the stairs (from wardrobe below), champagne is readied, Fanfare sounds as Janet storms up the stairs in her new "Look." Corks pop. Bert is amazed at the change. BERT But...how? JANET WELL FIRST YOU GO RIP RIP RIP THEN YOU GO SNIP SNIP SNIP THEN YOU WHIP IN A ZIP ZIP ZIP AN' YOU SPLIT IT UP TO THE HIP HIP HIP AN' AS YOU STRIP STRIP STRIP YOU QUIVER AND SHIVER FOR THAT SOFT CARESS AS YOU SLIP SLIP SLIP...INTO THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS MAC THAT MINIMAL NATION CRIMINAL BERT SIN-I-FUL JANET LITTLE BLACK DRESS They drink champagne and dance around. ALL LET'S FACE IT MAC THAT BASIC BLACK IS COMING BACK LET'S FACE IT MAC THAT BASIC BLACK IS COMING BACK LET'S FACE IT MAC THAT BASIC BLACK IS COMING BACK JANET THAT MINIMAL MAC CRIMINAL NATION SIN-I-FUL JANET LITTLE BLACK DRESS INT. STUDIO 63 Crew stand by on set for "Good Morning Denton." CYC and "Variety" rostra. Dancers and Musicians at the ready. FLOOD MANAGER Right stand by everybody. She'll be here any minute now. Dressing room door flies open and Janet followed by Mac, Nation and Bert dance down spiral staircase to chorus reprise of "Little Black Dress." Crew applauds the entrance. NEELY Janet, I can't tell you how excited I am. For you. Janet moves across the studio surrounded by make-up and wardrobe persons. In the b.g. Macy is settling into Betty Hapschatt's desk and the "Denton Dossier" sign is being replaced with "Good Morning Denton." Neely tries to keep up. NEELY We've got the band and dancers standing by. Betty Hapschatt is... indisposed. So Macy will have to do the links. JANET I don't need linking. ANGLE ON GANTRY 64 Oliver and Betty, looking the worse for wear, stumble around to view the action. Betty spies Macy in her place and freezes. BETTY I knew it! ANGLE ON "GOOD MORNING DENTON" SET 65 Janet is positioned by Floor Manager. The Trio Group around. We SEE them REFLECTED in a mirror held by make-up. BERT Out of self comes selflessness. MAC Show yourself. The real you. The secret you. NATION You'll like what you see. We CUT TO Macy's intro. MACY The fabulous. The golden. The very wonderful... Two DANCERS at Mike. They chime forth. DANCERS Janet -- Janet -- Janet -- Janet -- Janet. ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 66 The audience wakes up and applauds. "G.M.D." SET 67 Janet and two dancers silhouetted by Greek columns like a kitsch "Three Graces." JANET (with Monitor) THERE'S JUST THE TWO OF ME ALONE AT LAST TOGETHER WE'VE GOT THE LUCK SO FAR WE ARE MY LUCKY STAR Disco beat thumps in - Dancers start up. JANET DEEP IN THE HEART OF ME I LOVE EVERY PART OF ME ALL I CAN SEE IN ME IS THE DANGER AND THE ECSTACY ONE THING THERE COULDN'T BE IS ANY MORE ME IN ME DANCERS THIS IS THE ME OF ME ME ME ME Dancers clump around. Janet walks out of light into studio proper. Mayhem proceeds. ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 68 SHOTS OF surprised audience. "G.M.D." SET 69 Janet continues. JANET ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ANGLE ON GANTRY 70 Betty and Oliver. Giddy with disbelief. "G.M.D." SET 71 JANET I AM MY DESTINY I'LL ALWAYS BELIEVE IN ME I'D NEVER LIE TO ME I'D BE WILLING TO DIE FOR ME I'LL PRAY EVERY DAY TO ME HERE'S WHAT I'D SAY TO ME DANCERS THIS IS THE ME OR ME ME ME ME Janet knocks down column which brings down the set. Janet mixes it with the Musicians. Grabs Guitar and plays a riff. JANET ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME LOOKA T ME! Big finish. Dancers collapse. ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 72 Wild applause. ANGLE ON GANTRY 73 Betty rushes down the stairs. Oliver follows. ANDLE ON "G.M.D." SET Crew surround Janet. CREW Well done. Congratulations. That was hot. Whan an act. Etc. MACY And you can see and hear Janet tonight on 'Faith Factory; brought to you by... INT. CONTROL ROOM Monitors screen excitement from the studio floor. MACY (voice over) ...Farley Flavors Farley's LAUGHTER. Trio led by Janet head into maze down "Rest Home" Avenue. Oliver joins puzzled Betty and they both join Queue for Kirk's breakfast coffee. Mom and are already being served. Kirk enthuses to them. KIRK Hey. What about that! Janet was a knockout. MOM Thank you. KIRK Yeah, she looked terrific. Sexy. Dad looks angry at this. Kirk swallows. KIRK Sexy and yet at the same time ... (searches for a word) 'Fresh' -- untouched -- you know. How's Brad? MOM AND DAD He's fine. KIRK Lucky Dog, having a pretty girl like that for a wife. Mom and Dad move away nervously and quickly. DAD Oh, yeah! He sure is. Thanks, Kirk, for sugaring our coffee. KIRK My pleasure. Mom and Dad head towards "Rest Home." KIRK (to himself) That way I might get to sugar your daughter's. Betty and Oliver are next in line. BETTY Coffee, Kirk. I'm dying for it. KIRK R.I.P., Betty. You're off the list. Betty is shocked. Oliver escorts her towards their office. BETTY What's happening here? Janet's on the Breakfast Show, Brad's committed to a nowehere series and we've been . . . They've arrived to find Ralph and Macy working at their desks. OLIVER . . .written out. TITLE - "DENTONVALE" 77 VOICE OVER Tonight's Episode. 'The Visit.' INT - "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 78 Mom and Dad are visiting Brad. Janet sweeps in. Brad is bound and gagged and straining at his bonds. JANET I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am. MOM (shouts) Janet! Where's that lovely dress I made you? JANET (dismissive) Oh, Mac ran up this little crowd-pleaser. MOM (outraged) You're practically naked! JANET I can't wear anything under it. That would spoil the line. BRAD HGMMMPHH!! MOM My God, Janet! How can you say such things? Look at Brad, look what they've done to him? Mac, Nation and Bert follow in. MAC Ahhh! DAD There's going to have to be an enquiry. MAC Ahhh! DAD There are regulations. MAC Well. . .It's. . . JANET . . .For his own good. MAC (relieved) Of course. He was in great danger of harming himself. NATION We only want what's best for him, as parents you must understand. DAD No. No, I don't. He doesn't have to be trussed up like a turkey. There are drugs that can keep him quiet. NATION We used them. All of them. MOM And none of them worked? NATION No. DAD Then double the strength. NATION We did. MAC We know our job. NATION And we also know how you feel, we're not strangers to confusion. MOM We're not confused. DAD Well, I am, God damn it! (turns to Janet) You trust Brad. . .with this. . . (points to Mac) . . .crowd-pleaser! "SHOCK TREATMENT" 79 Ricky and Ansalong arrive and open cage. Brad is wheeled around room as Mac sings to parents. MAC I'M NOT A LOCUM WITH A MOTIVE TO SUTURE MYSELF I'VE BEEN A CYNIC FOR TOO MANY YEARS PLAYING DOCTOR AND NURSEY CAN BE GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH I'VE SEEN CLINICS WITH THOSE GIMMICKS IN TANGIERS Nation meanwhile has decided to demonstrate their expertise on Bert. MAC YOU NEED A BIT OF. . . Nation rips off Bert's sunglasses. RICKY, ANSALONG, NATION OOOH SHOCK TREATMENT MAC GETS YOU JUMPING LIKE A REAL LIVE WIRE NEED A BIT OF. . . Nation breaks Bert's cane -- faith healer style. ANSALONG, RICKY, NATION OOOH SHOCK TREATMENT MAC SO LOOK OUT MISTER DON'T BLOW YOUR LAST RESISTOR FOR A VISTA THAT'LL MYSTIFY YA Mac pushes Brad's chair through double doors. Everyone follows. MAC (to Brad) YOU'RE BLINDED BY ROMANCE AND BLINDED BY SCIENCE YOUR CONDITION IS CRITICALLY GRAVE BUT DON'T EXPECT MERCY FROM SUCH AN ALLIANCE SUSPICION OF TRADITION SO NEW WAVE YOU NEED A BIT OF. . . Nation opens door. TV set in "Ward" Room with image of blender now overflowing with bloody substance. Image bleachs out as room overexposes. ALL OOOH SHOCK TREATMENT Door shuts. ALL GETS YOU JUMPING LIKE A REAL LIVE WIRE Chorus repeats with action repeating on four doors. Other images are -- toaster popping up burnt, charred hands, blood-soaked scarf down smooth leg, refrigerator opening on carcass. MAC SO LOOK OUT MISTER DON'T BLOW YOUR LAST RESISTOR FOR A SISTER THAT'LL CERTIFY YA. Drum-riff takes over and all dance samba-style around corridors led by Bert, Ansalong, and Ricky. Janet, Mac and Nation head out of corridors, Mom and Dad to "Happy Homes" while Ricky and Ansalong end up wheeling Brad back to his cell. GANTRY - HIGH ANGLE ON MAZE DANCING 81 Betty and Oliver staring below. BETTY Look. Look at that. Bert Schnick can see. Why...he's...dancing. OLIVER (unimpressed) Yes. Macabre, isn't it. The blind leading the blind. INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 82 Photo blow-up of Farley being positioned. Bert, Janet, Mac, Nation samba into rehearsal for "Faith Factory." A few kids (Oscar and Brenda Drill, Glish Davison and Drummer) hover. Ralph and Macy greet Janet. RALPH Hi, Janet! Welcome to the 'Faith Factory' team. We're all pretty excited about tonight. JANET (indicating Farley's huge picture) Do I get one of those? RALPH (embarrassed) Uh...yeah...sure...It's being done now. He gives Macy Struthers a "get on with it" look. MACY (grinning a fixed, some might say plastic smile) Hi! Macy Struthers -- co-host on the F. F. show. RALPH Ah, Macy. Why don't you help Janet freshen up before rehearsal. MACY Surely. Flashbulbs pop. Three boys get Janet's autograph. Brenda pushes through to Ralph. BRENDA (to Ralph) You promised an introduction. Macy hovers -- disapproving. RALPH (embarrassed) Later, Brenda. Ah, Bert, could you spare a moment? BERT (giving Mac and Nation a superior look) Of course. Mac and Nation exchange looks. Janet, Macy, Glish, Brenda, Oscar and Drummer move towards dressing room. GLISH DAVISON (to Brenda) Who are those creeps with Janet? BRENDA They're no creeps! (superior tone) /Ralph/ says they're neuro-diagnosticians. OSCAR Oh yeah. When did Ralph say that? BRENDA (taunting) Never mind. Neely's CAMERA FOLLOWS. Neely thrusts a microphone at Janet as she heads up spiral staircase. NEELY Janet! A quick word. Could you tell our viewers what exactly you will represent tonight. JANET (entering room) Sanity for today! Door slams. Neely fumes but smiles TO CAMERA. She passes Ralph and Bert hovering in a corner. Ralph holds a clipboard with schedule. RALPH How's Brad? BERT A wreck. RALPH Check. (sotto voce) The quacks are willing tools? BERT Fools! RALPH I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favours. BERT Time to check with Flavors. INT. DRESSING ROOM 83 Janet and Company are relaxing. Nation mixes cocktails. Chanting in b.g. Cassette plays a bland C&W background (carte blanche). MACY (a bit thin-lipped) Anything else you'd like? JANET Yes. A new carpet. I hate the colour. Macy leaves. NATION It's only one night, Janet. Let's not forget who we're doing this for? JANET Who? MAC Brad! JANET (megalomania has taken over) I'm sick of hearing about that lame dog. I've got a lot going for me. I'm going places. I'm going to be someone. I'm gonna win my way into the lives and hearts of people even if I have to kill to do it. I'll make the pathetic little crumbs love me. I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here with you. I should be with my people... Janet storms out of room onto balcony. Cheers from outside. Mac exchanges a look with Nation who is lacing a cocktail. INT. STUDIO 84 Janet waves to cheering kids from balcony. GLISH (shouts) You're great! JANET (humbly) Thank you. BRENDA Hi! My name's Brenda Drill... and I think you're beautiful... this is my brother Oscar and our friend Glish Davison...you're beautiful...you really are. OSCAR Are you a rock singer? I bet she's a rock singer... GLISH Yeah. I saw the Breakfast Show. You're terrific. BRENDA Your clothes are real neat... Nation appears behind Janet, hands her the drink containing sedative. NATION This is Janet. She's a phenomenon. Janet gulps drink. JANET SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A STANDARD TO WHICH YOU CAN ASPIRE -- THEN BABIES LOOK AT ME! Mac and Nation assist swooning Janet inside. NATION I think you need a little rest. You've got a big night ahead of you. Doors close. Kids chant "We Want Janet." INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 85 Kids chanting "We Want Janet" throughout. Macy and Ralph are being interviewed by Neely Pritt amidst a bevy of crew activity. Betty and Oliver lurk on the sidelines -- eavesdropping. MACY So all in all it's going to be an exciting new series for us... RALPH ...and an attractive financial prospect for Denton. CUT TO Betty yawning. Oliver listening intently. NEELY (voice over) and fashion-wise? BETTY (suddenly alert) What did I tell you. Macy answers. MACY Well, I can just say that 'Faith Factory' will be introducing a new look that will show off one or two old faces in an entirely new light. NEELY Really! Sounds promising. Betty is bristling. BETTY Did you /hear/ that, Oliver. OLIVER Yes, Betty. But the false promise of a new dawn is usually followed by a most bloody sunset. Betty is despondent. BETTY Oh, Oliver. What are we going to do? RALPH (voice over) No! I don't know what Janet's next move will be...but you can be sure of one thing...it all starts here! OLIVER Care to indulge? BETTY Indulge? OLIVER In a little masquerade? TITLE- "DENTONVALE" 85-A VOICE OVER Tonight's Episode -- 'Parental Predicament.' INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 86 Brad is still restrained and feverish. Mom and Dad are present. They look very worried. MOM Oh, Harry. What are we going to do? DAD Well...maybe I could wear my black leather brogues? MOM Too flashy...they'll clash with the new outfits. Brad moans -- Mom feeds him a pill. MOM It's all right, Brad dear...have another sedative...we'll miss you on the show tonight. They set off. DAD (to Mom) Maybe those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii might still fit? Doors close. Brad looks tormented in his sleep. In the distance kids are heard chanting "We Want Janet." SUPERIMPOSITION 87 Janet appears through closed doors. JANET I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am. INT "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 88 Brad tosses and turns. INT. DRESSING ROOM 89 Janet tosses and turns. KIDS (voice over) WE WANT JANET! INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 90 Janet in wheelchair in her "Look." SUPERIMPOSITION 91 Brad appears through closed door in straitjacket. BRAD I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am. INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL AND CORRIDORS 92 Image DISSOLVES. Doors Open. CAMERA MOVES DOWN Corridor. Music riff begins. Doors open as in "Shock Treatment." First door houses bed containing Mac and Nation. Second door has Bert Schnick. BERT Face up to it, Janet...He's an emotional cripple. CANNED LAUGHTER ECHOES. Door closes. Third door has TV set with image of Farley's face. FARLEY TIME'S TIGHT, JANET DO IT RIGHT, JANET UNTIL TONIGHT, JANET IMAGE BLEACHES WHITE. Janet appears in white corridors. JANET (sings) I'M IN A CUL-DE-SAC AN' I'VE GOT TO GO BACK SO C'MON FEET WE GOTTA HIT THE STREET WE GOT IT MADE... I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE Door opens on Brad's cell. BRAD I'M LOOKING FOR LOVE. Closes. Janet leans against it. JANET I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS 93 Janet circling corridor. JANET I NEED SOME YOUNG BLOOD I NEED SOME YOUNG BLOOD I NEED IT NOW I NEED SOME YOUNG BLOOD I NEED SOME YOUNG BLOOD AND I'M GONNA GET IT SOMEHOW! Janet opens door. INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 94 Dining table replaced by pool table. Oscar, Glish and Drummer playing pool. JANET I'M IN A DEAD-END STREET LIKE A DOG IN THE HEAT I'M NO LIKE A KID WITH NO TOYS I GOTTA GET THOSE BOYS OOHH I CAN'T BE DELAYED I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE Brad appears on pool table. Boys vanish. BRAD I'M LOOKING FOR LOVE JANET I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE INT "DENTONVALE" - OFFICE 95 Filing cabinets replaced by "Space Invaders" Machines. Oscar, Glish and Drummer Whizz and Fire Electronic machines. JANET WE'RE ALL LIVING LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW AN' THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE Explosion from Machine. JANET BUT WITHOUT YOU AND ME, SIS (looks are her reflection) THE WORLD'D FALL TO PIECES (clutches her heart) VENA CAVA WHO'S THE RAVER? TRIO OUR RAVING SAVIOUR THAT'S YOU!! INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS WITH DOORS 96 Janet opens doors, each containing video image of Farley smiling. JANET I'M ON THE PRIMROSE PATH LOOKING FOR A LAUGH (DOOR) REMEMBER, IT'S NO FUN TO BE CHOSEN ONE (DOOR) THERE ARE GAMES TO BE PLAYED Janet opens shower door. Three heads turn. OSCAR, GLISH AND DRUMMER LOOKING FOR TRADE SHOT of Janet down corridor. SHOT OF corridor to Brad's cell. Door opens. BRAD I'M LOOKING FOR LOVE DOOR CLOSES. CLOSEUP OF Janet. JANET I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE INT "DENTONVALE" - ANGLE ON WALL WITH WINDOWS 97 Janet walks past windows. Faces of Trio appear through open and closed Venetian blinds. JANET I NEED SOME TRIO YOUNG BLOOD JANET I NEED SOME TRIO YOUNG BLOOD JANET I NEED IT NOW I NEED SOME TRIO YOUNG BLOOD JANET I NEED SOME TRIO YOUNG BLOOD Janet stops by Brad's window. JANET AND I'M GONNA GET IT SOMEHOW She looks in. The cage contains the video of Farley's smiling face. She turns away. JANET I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE INT. DRESSING ROOM - CLOSEUP JANET'S SLEEPING FACE 98 CHANTING HEARD from outside. OSCAR, GLISH AND DRUMMER Janet! Janet! We want Janet! Janet! Janet! Wake up, Janet! Eyes flutter open. Nation enters. NATION You've got guests. (calls) You can come in now. Eyes focus. Drugged effort to talk. Oscar, Brenda, Glish and Drummer visit. BRENDA Hi, Janet. They wouldn't let us visit you before. They said you were sleeping. JANET Who are you? OSCAR The Band. We've been rehearsing for the new show. My sister Brenda persuaded Ralph to let us play. JANET You got any friends? OSCAR Sure. Glish here...and Brenda. JANET (self-pitying) You won't have soon. You grow away from the ones you love. Oscar and Glish exchange a look. JANET Whateryer called, yer band? GLISH (proudly) Oscar Drill and the Bits. Janet passes out. WARDROBE 99 Dummy dressed as Farley FILLS SCREEN. From behind it a woman's hand emerges. It is the wardrobe mistress. She collects dummy and exits -- as she does, two figures emerge from behind the racks -- Oliver and Betty. BETTY I don't mind telling you, Oliver... I'm not looking forward to this. They grab lab coats from a medical rack labelled "F.F." OLIVER Betty, it's imperative we get Janet out of Flavors' fast fingers and Brad out of that hell-hole before they both disappear forever. If only I could place that name -- McKinley? BETTY (from under a pile of clothes) He was a President. OLIVER President? Past Presidents! Betty, this is beginning to add up. BETTY Really. (appears in Nurse's outfit holding accessory) What'll I pin this on? OLIVER Faith, Betty. But make sure it's your own. They exit stealthily. INT. CONTROL ROOM 100 Monitors all read "D.T.V." Farley being fitted by Wardrobe. impatient, he checks his watch. Parker in attendance. WARDROBE In a hurry, Mr. Flavors? PARKER There's a little lady he doesn't want to keep waiting. And a date... WARDROBE Who with, Mr. Flavors? FLAVORS The past. WARDROBE 101 Chaos in the racks as Mac and Nation dispense the "Faith Factory" medical look outfits to Ralph, Macy, Ricky, Ansalong, Mom and Dad. MOM LIKE A VIRGIN WITH AN' URGIN' IN A SURGERY I'LL BE SWINGING -- I'LL BE BRINGING OUT THE NURSE IN ME DAD THE ART WILL START WHEN I PLAY MY PART AS THE HEALER WHO WILL STEAL YOUR HEART BOTH OH, LOOK WHAT I DID TO MY ID Mac and Nation hand out stethoscopes, etc. MAC AND NATION WITH NEUROSIS IN PROFUSION AND PSYCHOSIS IN YOUR SOUL ELIMINATE CONFUSION AND HIDE INSIDE A BRAND NEW ROLE MACY LIKE A GOOD-TIME GIRL I'M GONNA TRY SOME NEW TRICKS RALPH THIS COULD BE THE START OF A WHOLE NEW CAREER HERE MACY LIKE A DEEP PLUM LIPSTICK AND SOME THERAPEUTICS RALPH THIS COULD TAKE US TO A TOWN THAT'S NOWHERE NEAR HERE They dance to mirrors as Ricky struggles with pants and Ansalong snips her hemline. ANSALONG GOT THE HOT FLUSH SYMPTOMS AND I'M FEELING FREAKY RICKY YOUNG MALE INTERN, TALL AND HANDSOME ANSALONG GOT MY HEM SO HIGH THEY'LL SAY I'M BEING CHEEKY RICKY WITH LEGS LIKE MINE I'M REALLY MADE FOR DANCING They dance. ENSEMBLE IN THE BEST-DRESSED CONTEST THERE'S BOUND TO BE SOME JEALOUSY BUT THE BEST-DRESSED GUEST WITH WHOM WE'RE ALL IMPRESSED IS *ME!* *ME!* *ME!* *ME!* YOU MAY SAY THAT WE'RE PHONY MEDICS AND ALL OUR UNIFORMS CAME FROM FREDERICK'S BUT LOOK WHAT I DID TO MY ID KID LOOK WHAT I DID TO MY ID INT. DRESSING ROOM 102 Brenda has organised coffee to sober Janet up. Glish and Oscar site mesmerised; like most people, they are mistaking histrionics for greatness. Mac and Nation check in on Janet. JANET (mumbling) Brad! Oh, Brad. NATION (impatient) He's a lame dog, remember? But even he wouldn't want to see you like this. The door opens -- Ralph is there with Neely's News Team. NEELY Listen, Ralph, I need a final statement from her -- and if I don't get it now, *Right now!* There's going to be trouble. RALPH Later, Neely. Slams door. Neely's voice complaining in distance. RALPH How is she? Nation shrugs. RALPH Yeah! Well, I just got word Farley's expecting her any minute. You Guys!! (Oscar and Glish) Get yer asses in front of those cameras, warm up that crowd and earn yourselves a reputation. Okay? *Move*!!! Ralph rushes out. Oscar and Glish shuffle a bit -- Oscar puts a couple of grubby pills on the table. OSCAR For you, Janet -- they'll make you feel real good. GLISH (awkwardly) Yeah, right. They exit. Nation skillfully pops her own pills into Janet's coffee. NATION Amateurs! INT. STUDIO 103 People are circulating. An excited Audience with "Take-Away-Therapy" products, "Faith Factory" T-shirts, etc. Above, on the gantry, Betty and Oliver, disguised as Medicos, are making plans. Betty moves to stairway behind their old office while Oliver heads around behind the set. Meanwhile Neely is entertaining the Audience with some last-minute reportage. NEELY An' so if you're a follower of exotic trends in fashion you'll find plenty to keep you going here tonight...and, naturally, feeling the excitement and not wishing to stick out like a sore thumb, I had to get an outfit of my own together...and this is it... She tries at first to be the reporter in a funny costume but then we see a look in her eyes that says...*Look* at *Me*. INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" OFFICE 104 THROUGH glass we SEE door at back of office open and "Nurse" Betty stealthily heads towards computer information section. FINGERS TYPE out "McKinley" and READ-OUT REVEALS the following: READ-OUT COSMO AND NATION MCKINLEY -- OPERATING UNDER ALIAS COSMO AND NATION HARDING, COSMO AND NATION JOHNSON, COSMO AND NATION COOLIDGE, COSMO AND NATION FILLMORE. ORIGIN UNKNOWN, FIRST SIGHTED ENGLAND THEN GERMANY, SOUTH AFRICA, BRAZIL, SWITZERLAND, CURRENT ADDRESS DENTON U.S.A. BETTY Good Heavens! Character actors. INT. STUDIO - ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 105 Oscar Drill's Band are tuning up. We VEER OVER to Brenda who's organising the crowd into a cheer squad. BRENDA J. A. N. E. T. What's that spell? CROWD JANET! BRENDA I can't hear you etc. ANGLE ON GANTRY 106 Oliver heads past Officer Parker towards Brad's cell in "Dentonvale." INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" OFFICE 107 FINGERS TYPE "Farley Flavors." Information reads out "Farley Flavors -- see Brad Majors -- Microfilm D.D.4711." INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 108 Oscar, Brenda and Bits have arrived. Crowd murmurs. Mrs. Drill (Brenda and Oscar's Mom) starts to elbows those around her. MRS. DRILL That's my boy, Oscar. Come on, Oscar. Come on, Baby. Ralph steps up to Mike. RALPH LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- DENTON'S OWN -- with -- (reads) 'A Suburban Garage Sound.' Let's hear it for Oscar Drill and the Bits. The crowd cheers. INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 109 Brad in chair in cage. Oliver's face appears at window. Brad looks startled. INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" OFFICE 110 Microfilm on video screen. Headlining reading "Twins Tragedy." Betty gasps. Winds film on. BETTY This is one time charity didn't begin at home. Betty heads back to door as we CUT TO Video Screen SHOWING photos of Brad and Farley as children -- twin brothers. Music starts in studio. INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 111 The Band thumps it out. Mrs. Drill behaves like a Woodstock hippie. OSCAR I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE COOLIN' MY HEELS I'VE BEEN DOWN ON THEM LONG ENOUGH BUT IF I TAKE TO THEM NOW THEN MAYBE SOMEHOW YOU'LL SEE THROUGH THE BLUFF OF MY PLAYING IT TOUGH INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 112 Oliver is in room. He tries keys on cell door. INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 113 OSCAR, BRENDA, GLISH I'VE BEEN A LIFETIME ON DEPOSIT AND THAT'S A LONG TIME IN THE CLOSET AND IF YOU SAY TO ME 'HOW WAS IT?' IT WAS HARD TAKING THAT HEART BREAKING GOD FORSAKEN ROUTE BUT I'M B-B-B-BREAKING OUT. INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 114 Oliver isn't having much success. Betty appears at window brandishing "Hairpin." INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 115 OSCAR YOU MAY SAY THAT YOU'D CHOOSE TO BE IN MY SHOES BUT LOOK WHAT IT DID FOR ME INT. DRESSING ROOM 116 Nation helps Janet into dress. She stares, frozen, into mirrors. OSCAR (voice over) I GOT BURIED ALIVE I DON'T THRIVE ON THAT JIVE LOOK AND YOU'LL SEE THAT MY SPIKES DON'T FIT ME INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 117 OSCAR, BRENDA, GLISH WE'VE BEEN A LIFETIME ON DEPOSIT AND THAT'S A LONG TIME IN THE CLOSET AND IF YOU SAY TO US 'HOW WAS IT?' IT WAS HARD TAKING THAT HEART BREAKING GOD FORSAKEN ROUTE BUT WE'RE B-B-B-BREAKING OUT. INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 118 Betty has picked the lock. They rush in to Brad. Oliver grasps the wheelchair. BRAD Where are we going? BETTY To a family reunion. INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 119 Audience is responding to Oscar and Company. OSCAR BREAKING OUT AUDIENCE BREAKING OUT OSCAR BREAKING OUT AUDIENCE BREAKING OUT OSCAR BREAKING OUT AUDIENCE BREAKING OUT INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 120 Oliver. Betty. Brad. Explanations are concluding. BETTY ...and he's resented you all these years. BRAD And Janet? OLIVER She represents everything he was denied. INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 121 OSCAR, BRENDA, GLISH Breaking OUT! Applause. Flashbulbs. INT. CONTROL ROOM 122 FARLEY ...She represents everything that our customers want. Innocence, decency and the illusion of a happy ending! Applause. Flashbulbs, etc. FARLEY And behind *her* image Take-Away Therapy will thrive in the capable hands of two great ethical intellects operating on the frontiers of medical science... (indicating Mac and Nation) ... under the firm guidance of a great survivor in the treacherous sea of diplomacy -- Bert Schnick! Applause -- meeting breaks up -- Neely elbows her way to Farley. Crew follows, CAMERAS TURNING. Macy leaves to collect Janet. Others follow. NEELY Mr. Flavors -- may I have a moment of your time? CAMERAS TURN. FARLEY (magnanimous) Sure thing. NEELY We've heard rumors that you're going to unveil more than just a new series tonight. Is this true? FARLEY Absolutely correct. NEELY Could you tell us a little about it? FARLEY Let's just say that I'm putting sanity back on the national menu. NEELY And how does *'local girl'* Janet Majors fit into the scheme of things? Macy arrives, escorting Janet. FARLEY (glimpsing Janet) Very nicely. JANET (amazed at resemblance) Brad? INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS 123 Betty holds door to Brad's cell as Oliver pushes chair into corridor. INT. "FAITH FACTORY" 124 Colonnade with central dais backed by two photo blow-ups of Farley and Janet. mom, Dad, Ricky, Ansalong, Macy sit on lower level. Ralph at microphone. Mac and Nation flanking podium. RALPH And here she is! Denton's own! America's Pride! Janet... The Sensation of the Planet... Cheers. RALPH We bring you...MISS MENTAL HEALTH. A rather confused Janet dressed as a cross between Miss America and a bride appears at the entrance to the colonnade. During the following she progresses along to the dais and sits in a special, waiting throne. Nation has the microphone. NATION Isn't she lovely? MOM (shouts) Mommy and Daddy love you, Baby. NATION She walks in beauty... MOM (shouts) We love you, Baby. NATION We all love Janet...Who do we love? ALL (shout) *JANET*!! NATION (over P.A.) The dress Janet is wearing has been given by Creme de la Creme Modes of Downtown Denton, and we've been asked that you take note of the individual styling and exquisite tailoring... This is just one of the many gifts that have been so freely and generously given to Janet, the first of (we hope) many Miss Mental Healths... Neely Pritt preens at this remark. ALL Hooray. VOICE OFF (IRWIN) Let me through. I'm the President. NEELY (excitedly) The President's here! Audience excitement as a strange little man ascends the dais. PRESIDENT I'm Irwin Lappsy...President of Lappsy Auto...and I have here in my hand some keys...keys that I want to give to this little Lady that's being honored tonight ...And I wanna tell you...that if this same little Lady takes these keys...She'll find that they fit something! And what that something is...is a...*BRAND NEW...*ULTRA DE LUXE ...EIGHT CYLINDER CONVERTIBLE*!! COMPLETE WITH *RADIO*...*TAPEDECK* ...*WASHABLE SEAT COVERS* and many more extras...an' it's hers for absolutely free. The curtains part with a fanfare and we see the auto. LAPPSY goes to hand Janet the keys and Mac grabs them. ALL Wow...Yeah...Hooray. MOM You're beautiful, Baby. RALPH Well, Janet's absolutely speechless, Ladies and Gentlemen. But that's all right. Because we don't need her to talk...But here's someone we do want to hear from...a firm favorite of yours and mine. You've revelled in his recipes. You've marvelled at his marriage guidance. Yes, the all-knowing, and now all-seeing Bert Schnick!! Bert races around colonnade to take his place at the microphone. BERT Sank you! Velcome! Sank you! RALPH What's cookin', Bert? BERT I tell you what's cooking. She made the blind see and it was a gift! Who was it from? Let's hear an 'F" for... ALL Farley! INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS 125 Oliver and Betty are wheeling Brad around corridors but seem quite lost. All pointing different directions. BERT (voice over) And another one for... ALL Flavors! INT. "FAITH FACTORY" 126 Farley progresses around Colonnade to tremendous ovation. Music plays. He takes microphone. FARLEY My Friends! And you are my friends. My friends. Tonight, we are taking the first step of defiance and starting something that will grow so big that the whole world will reverberate to its sound. And wherever our slogan 'SANITY AND VANITY' is uttered it will be linked incontravertably with this night...this station ...and...this...beautiful face. Farley moves to Janet. Groom to Bride. INT. CORRIDORS 127 Trio roars around corner. INT. "FAITH FACTORY" 128 Farley's hand takes Janet's. He is about to kiss her as the trio crashes through the photo blowup of Janet and Brad lands between them. BRAD SEDUCER! Chord. FARLEY (amazed) Who are you, Sir! Chord. BRAD (defiant) Your twin brother! And your accuser! General consternation. Janet looks from one to another. They are indeed identical. JANET BRAD! MAC (to Parker) Arrest that man! He's committed to our care. JANET (to Mac) I never signed the contract. (to Parker) He's not going anywhere. Chord. OLIVER (to Farley) To revenge your twin--you tried to abuse her. FARLEY Ridiculous accusations! You force me to refuse her. BRAD Then why did you choose her? CLOSEUP of Farley glaring at Brad. FARLEY (voice over) Because...of *you*, Sir! FARLEY (voice over, singing) YOU'RE A LOSER...AN ABOMINATION IN THE EYES OF ANY SENSITIVE MAN CLOSEUP of Brad glaring back at Farley. BRAD (voice over) AN' YOU'RE A BLIND ALLEY CRUISER ALWAYS HEADING DOWN A LOSING STRAIGHT DREAMIN' THAT YOU'RE SCREAMIN' AT FATE INT. CORRIDORS - BRAD'S P.O.V. 129 Pursuing Farley down corridor. BRAD (voice over) YOU'RE A DEAD-END, DEAD-BEAT, NO-WHERE MISTER WITH A KISS LIKE A MISSISSIPPI ALLIGATOR'S SISTER Farley turns. They now spit their thought at each other in song: FARLEY I'VE TOOK AS MUCH OF YOU AS ANY MAN CAN YOU'VE LOST YOUR HEART CLOSEUP - BRAD. BRAD YOU'VE LOST YOUR CAUSE CLOSEUP - FARLEY. FARLEY YOU LOST YOUR BABY WHEN YOU LOST YOUR BALLS YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND, YOU'VE LOST YOUR GRIP SO SAY BYE-BYE Farley walks away. Brad pursues. BRAD WE LOST OUR MOM, WE LOST OUR DAD AN' IF I'M LOSING YOU, WELL THAT'S JUST TOO BAD Farley turns. FARLEY WELL THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER DO...IS DIE Farley moves on. BRAD YOU'RE A FAILURE... A MALFORMATION IN THE GUISE OF MANY, AN ALSO-RAN Farley turns. FARLEY AN' YOU'RE A WEEPER AND A WAILER ALWAYS TREADING THE TOES OF THE GREAT GENERALLY SPREADING YOUR WEIGHT YOU'RE A SPITEFUL, HATEFUL ASININE CREATURE A PUPIL WITH NO SCRUPLES WHO KNEW BETTER THAN THE TEACHER CLOSEUP - BRAD. BRAD I'VE TOOK AS MUCH OF YOU AS ANY MAN CAN CLOSEUP - FARLEY. FARLEY YOU'VE LOST YOUR HEART CLOSEUP - BRAD. BRAD YOU'VE LOST YOUR CAUSE CLOSEUP - FARLEY. FARLEY YOU LOST YOUR BABY WHEN YOU LOST YOUR BALLS YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND, YOU'VE LOST YOUR GRIP SO SAY BYE-BYE Farley moves off. BRAD WE LOST OUR HOME AND OUR FAMILY YOU'VE LOST COMPASSION, NOW YOU'RE LOSING ME Farley turns. FARLEY THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER DO IS DIE CLOSEUP - BRAD. BRAD THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER DO IS DIE. INT. "FAITH FACTORY" 130 CUT BETWEEN CLOSEUPS OF Brad on floor in straitjacket and Farley standing in tuxedo. BRAD AND FARLEY (voice over) THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER DO IS DIE. FARLEY Take no notice of him. He's mad. BRAD (spluttering) I'm as sane as you are. Saner! Mac grabs microphone. MAC And he was only with us for a day. Crowd jeers and laughs. BERT (half to himself) They should be sent to the Danube before Dawn. RALPH (sharply) What? BERT (caught out) Nothing. Just...memories! Ralph confides to Farley: RALPH We'll edit the tapes. This will never see airplay. (steps to microphone) I hope Mr. Flavors will accept apologies on behalf of Denton for this unfortunate incident. *Everyone* wants to be related to the great. FARLEY No offense! On the contrary, this is a perfect examples of what we're here to combat. (whispers to Janet) The choice is yours... Janet looks from one to another. She chooses Brad. Farley indicates the quartet of Brad, Janet, Oliver and Betty. He starts CHANTING. FARLEY Out! Out! Out! Audience picks up CHANT until "OUT! OUT! OUT!" becomes a DEAFENING ROAR and the quartet retreats in fear of their lives. Audience roar turns to CHEERS as Parker escorts the Quartet off the set to the "Denton Dossier" office where he shuts them in. FARLEY (triumphant) And the way we got rid of that dirty little dish is the way we're going to put the rest of our house in order. (tapping his brain) Including the UPSTAIRS! CHEERS, white doves are released. Neely nudges Bert but Ralph gets the idea and pushes Macy towards Farley. FARLEY (to Macy) Would you care to join me up here, Miss, and help us inaugurate the Farley Flavors FAITH FACTORY, transmitting from coast to coast and from continent to continent...step up, please, Miss...? MACY Macy...Macy Struthers. Betty gives the finger from the glass door. BETTY (with venom) Who loves *you*, Baby! BRENDA's MOTHER (shouts out) My Brenda's better than both of them! Brenda looks appalled. "Bits" are worried by the turn of events. Janet's Mom looks suicidal...Dad consoles. MOM What a nerve! What a mouth! DAD Shut up, Emily, and listen to a success story. NEELY (in tears) I can't stand it. Everything good always happens to other people. NATION (sotto voce to Mac) This could be worse than the old series. MAC (sotto voce to Nation) In the old series we didn't have a convertible. He rattles the keys. FARLEY And remember. Sanity today is the springboard to a hygienic tomorrow. Audience applauds. FARLEY Now will you join us down the D.T.V. trail to DENTONVALE? AUDIENCE Yes! Oscar, Brenda and the Bits decline but everyone else storms into colonnade path which is seen to form the entrance to the corridors. Straitjackets are handed out on entry. Neely winds up her documentary. NEELY And Fast Food Giant Farley Flavors has given Miss Mental Health what can only be described as an official kiss of approval and the crowd are loving it as they follow her down the Dentonvale trail. In office Brad indicates everyone disappearing to Parker. He reacts and rushes off after Neely who is trailing with her long-suffering Crew. Betty produces the hairpin and gets to work on the lock; Janet and Oliver undo the straitjacket on Brad. "ANYHOW! ANYHOW!" 131 BRAD SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR COMPASSION JANET SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR THE FASHION BRAD SOME PEOPLE DO IT TO BE FUNNY JANET SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR THE MONEY OLIVER SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR ENSLAVEMENT BETTY SOME PEOPLE DO IT ON THE PAVEMENT Lock turns. Door opens. BETTY BUT Music starts. They stand. They dance across colonnade to now-deserted seating block. QUARTET WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW! WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW! WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- NO MATTER HOW THE WIND IS BLOWING WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW! WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW! WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- WE JUST GOTTA KEEP GOING Sitting among debris left by Audience. BRAD AND JANET SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR EACH OTHER OLIVER AND BETTY SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR THEIR LOVERS BRAD AND JANET SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR IMPROVEMENT OLIVER AND BETTY SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR MOVEMENT BRAD AND JANET SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR ENJOYMENT OLIVER AND BETTY SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR EMPLOYMENT They are joined by Oscar, Brenda, Glish, Drummer who have been hiding in Lappsy's auto. They repeat chorus, dancing along colonnade towards studio door: OCTET WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW! WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW! WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- NO MATTER HOW THE WIND IS BLOWING WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW! WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW! WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- WE JUST GOTTA KEEP GOING INT. "DENTONVALE" SET 132 EXTREME TOP ANGLE ZOOMING SLOWLY BACK FROM Farley, Mac, Nation, Bert, Ralph, Macy, Ricky, Ansalong, Mom, Dad and Mrs. Drill celebrating with champagne in Dentonvale office. As SHOT WIDENS we SEE Audience all in straitjackets, running around the corridors in and out of rooms. The SHOT WIDENS as does the chaos UNTIL IT TAKES IN the entire studio. DENTON CHORUS DENTON! DENTON! YOU'VE GOT NO PRETENTION YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS! YOU'RE OKAY! DENTON! DENTON! I'D JUST LIKE TO MENTION YOU'RE THE ACCEPTABLE FACE OF THE HUMAN RACE YOU'RE DENTON! DENTON!... DENTON U.S.A. INT. STUDIO 133 The octet are pushing back the studio door revealing the moon and a wet, windy nightscape. OCTET WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW! WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW! WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- NO MATTER HOW THE WIND IS BLOWING WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW! WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- WE JUST GOTTA KEEP GOING They head into the night. OCTET WE JUST GOTTA KEEP GOING An electric storm flashes lightning. OCTET WE JUST GOTTA KEEP GOING Studio doors slide closed. END TITLES. FADE OUT *THE END*