The Lost Boys (1987) EXT. Boardwalk Night Guard I told you to stay off the boardwalk. David Okay, boys, let's go. Guard You, too, off the boardwalk. EXT. Driving To Santa Carla Sam Keep going. Mother Hey, I liked that song. Michael Keep going, Mom. Mother How about this? Michael Hang on. Radio voice I don't see any boogeymen or nasty guys. Michael Keep going, Mom. You want to switch the band? Keep going! Mother Wait. That's from my era! Mother We're almost there! Sam What's that smell? Mother That's the ocean air. Sam Smells like someone died. Mother look, Guys, I know the last year hasn't been easy, but I think you're really going to like living in Santa Carla. EXT. Beach Sam Mom, there's an amusement park right on the beach. Mother Sam, tell those kids to get something to eat. Michael Any jobs around here? A man Nothing legal. INT. Grandpa's house Sam Come on, Nanook. Mother Dad? Dad? Michael Looks like he's dead. No, he's just a deep sleeper. Sam If he's dead, can we go back to Phenix? Grandpa Playin' dead. And from what I heard, doin' a damn good job of it, too. Michael This is a pretty cool place. Sam For the Texas Chain-Saw Massacre. Michael Come on, Sam, give Mom a break. Sam What's wrong with this picture? There's no TV. Have you seen a TV? I haven't seen a TV, Mike. You know what it means when there's no TV? NO MTV. Michael Sammy, we are flat broke. Grandpa Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced. Mother I know. But a big legal war wasn't going to improve anybody's situation. We've all been through enough. Anyway, I was raised better than that. Grandpa Ouch. My hair. Sam Mom, you gotta help me. Mother Hey, guys, no running in the house! Michael Talk about the Texas Chain-Saw Massacre. Grandpa Rules! We've got some rules around here. Second shelf is mine. That's where I keep my root beers and my double-thick Oreo cookies. Nobody touches the second shelf but me. There's another rule around here, and I want you to pay close attention. Don't touch anything. Everything is exactly where I want it. Michael Grandpa, is it true that Santa Carla's the murder capital of the world? Grandpa There are some bad elements around here. Sam Wait a second, let me get this straight. You're telling me we've moved to the murder capital of the world? Are you serious, Grandpa? Grandpa Well, let me put it this way. If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once we'd have one hell of a population problem. Mother Great, Dad. Grandpa Now, on Wednesdays when the mailman brings the TV Guide sometimes the address label is curled up just a little. You'll be tempted to tear it off. Don't. You'll only wind up rippin' the cover and I don't like that. And stay outta here. Sam Wait, you have a TV? Grandpa No. I just like to read the TV Guide. Read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV. EXT. Boardwalk Mother Let's ask in here. Excuse me, I wonder if you could help us. This boy is lost and we're wondering if his mother might be in here. Max I don't really know. A boy's mother I was so worried. Don't run off like that. Max There you are. A boy Thank you. Mother Bye, Terry. Marco We only some here to watch one thing. Max Well done. Mother No Thanks. Well, on second thought. Max I told you not to come in here anymore. Wild kids. Mother Oh they're just young. We were that age, too, once. Only they dress better. Bye-bye. Max You have a generous nature. I like that in a person. My name is Max. Mother I'm Lucy. Hello. Max That's my dog, Thorn. Mother Hi, Thorn. Max Say hello, Thorn. So how may I help you this evening? We have it all. The best selection in Santa Carla. Mother No, I'm not looking for a tape. What I need is .. Max A job? Mother a job. Yeah. I look that needy, huh? Sam Where are we going? Michael Nowhere. Sam So What's our rush? You're chasing that girl, aren't you? Come on, admit it. You're chasing her. I'm at the mercy of your sex glands. Michael Don't you have something better to do than follow me around all night? Sam Actually, I do. INT. The comic book store Sam Got a problem guys? Edgar Just scoping your civilian wardrobe. Sam Pretty cool, huh? Alan Frog For a fashion victim. Edgar Listen budy, if you're looking for the diet frozen-yogurt bar, it went out of business last summer. Sam Actually I 'm looking for Batman, no.14. Edgar That's a very serious book, man. Alan Frog Only five in existence. Sam Four, actually. I'm always lookin' out for the other three. You can't put the Superman, no. 77 with the 200s. They haven't even discovered red kryptonite yet. And you can't put the no. 98 with the 300s. Lori Lemaris hasn't even been introduced. Edgar Where the hell are you from? Krypton? Sam Phoenix, actually. But lucky me, we moved here. Edgar Take this. Sam I don't like horror comics. Edgar You'll like this one, Mr. Phoenix. It could save your life. EXT. Boardwalk Sam (To Michael) Come on, she sifted ya. EXT. In the car A woman What was that? A man What was what? A woman I thought I heard something. A man Forget it. INT. Grandpa's garage Grandpa How do you like that baby? Sam It's a beauty. Grandpa Come on, let's get in. Sam Can I drive on the way back? Grandpa Fat chance. Nobady drives this baby, but me. Grandpa We have to let it warm up a little. Hear that sound? Just like a baby pussycat. Grandpa Okay let's go to town. Are we having fun, or what? Sam I thought we were going to town. Grandpa That's as close to town as I like to get. Sam Total weirdo, man. INT. The comic book store Alan Frog Noticed anything unusual about Santa Carla yet? Sam No, it's a pretty cool place. If you're a Martian. Or a vampire. Sam Are you guys sniffing old newsprint or something? Edgar You think you really know what's happening here, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something. You don't know shit buddy. You think we just work in a comic bookstore for our folks, huh? Sam Actually, I thought it was a bakery. Edgar This is just our cover. We are dedicated to a higher purpose. We're fighters for Truth Justice, and the American way. Sam All right. Edgar Read this. Sam I tlod you I don't like horror comics. Alan Frog Think of it more as a survival manual. There's our number on the back and pray you never need to call us. Sam I'll pray I never need to call you. Sure. EXT. Boardwalk A woman it look's great. Definitely. Enjoy it. Michael Thanks. Michael Excuse me. Star It's a rip-off. If you want your ear pierced, I'll do it. Michael What's your name? Star Star. Michael Oh, you folks, too, Huh? Star What do you mean? Michael Ex-hippies. I came this close to being called Moon Beam or Moon Child. Or something like that. But Star's great. I like Star. Star Me too. Michael I'm Michael . Star Michael's great. I like Michael . Michael Wanna get something to eat? Star Okay. David Where're you going, Star? Star For a ride. This is Michael. Michael Let's go. David Star? You know where Hudson's Bluff is, overlooking the point? Michael I can't beat your bike. David You don't have to beat me, Michael. You just have to try and keep up. A Boy We're going for a ride. EXT. Hudson's Bluff Michael What the hell are you doing? Just you! Come on! Just you! Come on! Just you. David How far you willing to go, Michael? Hit the rock box, buddy. David Not bad, huh? This is the hottest resort in Santa Carla about 85 years ago. Too bad they built it on the fault. In 1906, when the big one hit San Francisco, the ground opened up, and this place took a header right into the crack. Now it's ours. Marco So, check it out, Mikey. David Marco, food. That's what I love about this place. You ask, and then you get. Appetizer. You'll like it here, Michael. INT. Sam's room Mother Ten o'clock. Lights out. Did you brush your teeth? Sam Ah. Mother Okay, 'night, sweetheart. Sam Mom? Mother Sorry. I can never sleep with the closet door open, either. Not even a crack. Sam, this is a terrible thing to admit, but I think that one of the reasons I divorced your father was because he never believed in the closet monster. Dad! Don't sneak up on people like that! Grandpa Brought yousomething to dress up your room with, Sam. How do you like that? Sam Thanks, Grandpa. Mother Oh, Dad, really! You shouldn't have! Grandpa Lots more where he comes from. Good night, Sam. Sam Good night, Grandpa. Mother Lights Sam. Sam As soon as I finished this comic, okey? Mother Okey. Sam You're history, buddy. EXT. Hudson's Bluff Marco Feeding time. Come and get it boys. David Chinese, good choice. Over here, bud. David Guests first. Michael No. David What, you don't like rice? Tell me Michael, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong? Come on! David How are those maggots? Michael Huh? David Maggots, Michael. You're eating maggots. How do they taste? Star Leave him alone. David Sorry about that. No hard feelings, huh? Michael No. David Why don't you try some noodles? Michael They're warms. David What worms? They're only noodles, Michael. Star That's enough. David Drink some of this, Michael. Be one of us. Star Don't! You don't have to , Michael. It's blood. Michael Yeah, sure. David Bravo! You're all right, Michael. Everybody Michael! Michael! Michael! A boy You're one of us, bud. David Perfect timing. Michael What's going on? David Michael wants to know what's going on. Marco, what's going on? Marco I don't know. What's going on, Paul? Paul Wait a minute. Who wants to know? Dwayne Michael wants to know. David I think we should let Michael know what's going on. Marco. Marco Good night, Michael. Bombs away. Paul Bottoms up, man. David Come with us, Michael. Dwayne Michael Come on down. Welcome aboard, Michael. David Fun, huh? Hold on! Marco Don't be scared, Michael. David Michael, you're one of us. Let go! You're one of us Michael. INT. Michael's room Sam Mike, wake up. It's Mom. Michael Mom7s home? Sam No, on the phone. Michael What time is it? Sam It's 2 o'clock. Michael Give me those sunglasses. Sam You need sunglasses to talk on the phone? Are you feebasing? Inquiring minds want to know. Michael Hello? Mother Michael, are you still in bed? Michael No. I'm up. Mother Michael, would you do me a favor? Max asked me to go to dinner with him after work tonight. Would you stay home with Sam? Michael Sam is old enough to stay by himself right now. Sam I don't need no babysitter, Mike. Mother Michael, you come home in the middle of the night you sleep all day. I work all day. Sam is always alone. It's been a long time since somebody asked me out to dinner. I'd like to go. Okay? Michael Okay, Mom. Mother Thanks, it's a real favor. Bye-bye. INT. The kitchen Grandpa Anything in here that might pass for after-shave? Sam Hpw about some Windex, Grandpa? Grandpa Yeah, let me try some of that. Michael Have a big date tonight, Grandpa? Grandpa I'll drop off some of my handiwork to the "Widow" Jhonson. Michael What'd you stuff for her? Mr.Johnson? Grandpa See you two guys later. Sam That wasn't funny Mike. I'm gonna make you a sandwich. Michael Don't bother. Sam lose the earring, Michael. It's not you. It's definitely not you. Michael Piss off. Sam All you do is give attitude lately. You watching too much "Dynasty"? Sam Mike, don't open the door! What's going on, Mike? Michael Go take your bath. Sam Mike. Michael, are you there? Nanook? What about Nanook? What did you do to my dog, asshole? Michael Nothing. I didn't hurt him. He bit me. This is my blood. Sam Why did he bite you, huh? What did you do to him? Michael He was protecting you. Sam Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book. You're a vampire, Michael. My own brother, a goddam shit-sucking vampire. You wait 'til Mom finds out! Michael Sammy, wait! Sam! Sam Stay back! Michael Just let me talk. Wait a minute! Sam! Sam Stay away from me, Mike! INT. Sam's room Talking on the phone Edgar You did the right thing by calling us. Does your brother sleep a lot? Sam Yeah, all day. Edgar Does the sunlight freak him out? Sam He wears sunglasses in the house. Edgar Bad breath? Long fingernails? Sam Yeah, his fingernails are a bit longer.. He always had bad breath, though. Alan Frog He's a vampire all right. Here's what you do. Edgar Get yourself a good sharp stake and drive it through his heart. Sam I can't do that! He's my brother! Edgar Okay, we'll come over and do it for you. Sam No! Edgar You better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy. Or it's your funeral. INT. Sam's room Talking to Mom on the phone Mother Sam, is everything all right? Sam Mom, I think we have to have a real long talk about something. Michael Help! Mother What's going on there? Sam, I'm starting to get worried. What are you doing? Is that Michael breathing like that? Sam We should stay calm. Mother Calm? Calm about what? Sam Nothing, nothing. Mother Who's making that noise? Sam Mom, I can't talk on the phone. It's about Michael. Michael Don't listen to him, Mom. He doesn't know what he's saying. Sam Shut up! Mom, Help! He's coming to get me! Mother Oh, my God! Sam He'll kill me! Mother Honey, I'm coming. Sam Tell him to get away! No, Mom! Michael Open up! Sam Stay back! Michael Sammy, help me! Open up! Help me! Sammy, open the window! Sam Never! I knew it! Michael I'm not! Sam So what are you, the flying nun? Michael I'm your brother, Sammy. Help me! Sammy, open up! Please! Please! Michael Thanks. We've got to stick together, Sam. Sam What about Mom? Michael Just don't tell her anything. Sam I don't know, Mike. It's just not like getting a "D" in school or something, you know? Michael We're gonna work this out. We*re gonna work this out. Trust me, okay? Sam Okay. INT. Sam Sam, are you all right? You had me scared to death. Sam I'm okay, Mom. I was reading a horror comic. And I thought I saw something on my window, but I guess I got carried away. Mother You got carried away by a comic book? Sam It was a scary comic book, Mom. I'm sorry. Mother You know, I've just about had it with the both of you. You know that? What is this mess? You spill milk on the kitchen floor and don't even bother to clean it up? Sam I didn't spill it. Mother I can't believe you, people. The refrigerator door's wide open. Are you trying to refrigerate the whole neighborhood? You know, it's not fair. I would like to have a personal; life, too. Where's Michael? Sam He went to bed early. INT. Mom's bedroom Sam Mom, Can I sleep in here with you tonight? Mother in here? Are you sure you're all right? Sam I'm fine. It was a real scary comic, that's all. Do you mind? Mother No, I donvt mind. Have you been eating pizza? Sam No, why? Mother You smell like garlic. INT. Max's House Max Who's there? Hello, Thorn. Is that you, Thorn, making all that noise? EXT. Hudson's Bluff Michael Star! Star I'm over here Michael. Michael What's happening to me, Star? What's happening to me, Star? Star Oh, Michael! Michael, I can't tell you. I don't know how to help you. Michael What's happening? INT. Grandpa's House Mother Hi! Aren't we friends anymore? Michael Sure. Mother Does that mean we are, or...? Michael We are. Mother We are. Then let's act like friends. Let's talk. Michael, take off your glasses. Michael, look at me. If there's a girl... Michael I'm tired, Mom. Mother We could talk about... Michael I'm tired. Mother We could talk about anything you want to talk about. Michael I have more serious things on my mind than girls and school. Things I'm dealing with. Mother Things I wouldn't understand? Grandpa Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night. Sam Did you take care of everything, Michael? EXT. In front of Max's House Sam What's the win for? Mother My apology to Max for running out on him last night. Which, young man, you should be making. Honey, I better bring this up to the house or somebody's just gonna take it. Sam All right, I'll be here. Mother Hi, Thron! Mother Honey, get in the car! Get in the car! INT. The comic book store Sam The dog chased my mom like the Hounds of Hell from Vampires Everywhere. Edgar We've been aware of some very serious vampire activity in town for a long time. Alan Frog Santa Carla has become a haven for the undead. Edgar As a matter of fact, we're almost certain that ghouls and werewolves occupy high position at City Hall. Alan Frog Kill your brother, you'll feel better! Sam look, guys, my brother is not a bloodsucker. Look, it says here that if you kill the head vampire all half-vampires will return to nomal. Guys, if my brother's a vampire, believe me, he's only half. Edgar Does he know who the head vampire is? Sam No, I don't think so. Edgar Then you'll have to kill him. And if you don't, we will. Sam It all started when mom went to work at Max's video store. Max never comes in till after it's dark. The dog chased my mom this morning was his. And listen to this "Vampire require a daytime protector, a guardian to watch over them as they sleep. " Firce dogs, the Hounds of Hell, are often employed for this purpose." What happened if my mom is dating the head vampire. You guys, you could nail him and save Santa Carla. Truth, Justice, The American way triumphs. Thanks to you two. Edgar We'll check out Max. INT. The kitchen Grandpa Smells good. When do we eat? Mother I told Max 8 o'clock. Grandpa Max? Are we gonna have company again? Mother Again? You haven't have company in this house since Mom died 8 years ago. Grandpa Right. Now we're gonna have company again. Mother Michael, Max is coming to dinner. I'd like you to meet him. Michael I can't. I have plans. Mother Michael. Things will change around this house when school starts. Max Hey! How you doing? You must be Michael, right? Michael And you must be Max. Max Right. How are you? Well, you are the man of the house and I*m not coming in until you invite me. Michael You're invited. Max Thanks very much. Max Hello. Mother Oh, Hi. I didn't hear you come in. Max Is it okay for the guests to see the food before the dinner? Mother Oh, you're thinking of the groom not seeing the bride before the wedding. Max Oh, yeah. I always get those confused. Thorn sends his apologies. Mother Tell him I'm walking again. Max He promises to behave if you come back. Sam Mom? These are my dinner guests. Edgar and Alan. The Frog Brothers. Mother I didn't know you were having guests. Sam If we'll be in your way, we can eat some peanut butter in the kitchen. Mother No, no, there*s plenty for everybody. Max, this is my son, Sam, and Edgar and Alan Frog INT. At The Dinner Table Max Lucy, this looks terrific. Mother Well, I hope it tastes good. Max Tastes wonderful. Mother Boy! Somebody around here has bad breath! Nanook, would you quit breathing on me. Sam Nanook, get upstairs. Go on. You want some Parmesan cheese on that? Max yeah, Sam. Thank you very much. Mother Sam grated the cheese himself. (to Sam) My son. Max Budding chef in the family. Mother Are you all right? Max It's not cheese, it's garlic. Sam You hate garlic, don't you? Max No, I like garlic. It's just too much. It's raw garlic. Mother Garlic? How did that happen? Sam Guys, he likes garlic. Here. Quick, drink some water! Mother Sam, what's the matter with you? Sam Does it burn? Max Burn? Are you nuts? It's freezing. Mother Look at your suit, Max. And your pants. Oh, I'm sorry. Now what? Sam Must be a circuit breaker. Alan He's not growing. Sam I know. Hit the light. Mother Sam! What's gotten into you tonight? Max I think I know what's going on here. You do? Yeah. I know what you're thinking, Sam. But you're wrong. Sam I am? Max I'm not trying to replace your father or steal your mother away from you. I would just like to be your friend. That's all. Good night, Lucy. Mother Thanks a lot. Sam I'm sorry, Mom. Mother Max, I'm so sorry. Sam Major mistake. EXT. Outside the house Max Our batting average isn't terrific, is it? Zero for Two. Mother You're so sweet to him. I don't know what got in to him. He's not like that. Max I'll tell you, Kids Sam's age need discipline, otherwise they run all over you. Mother He doesn't run all over me. Protecting mother. Max listen, Let's try it once more. Dinner, my house, tomorrow night. I'm cooking. EXT. Boardwalk Michael Where is she? David Take it easy, Michael. Michael Where's Star, David? David If you ever want to see Stars again, you better come with us now. EXT. Beach David Michael, over here. You don't want to miss this. David Initiation's over, Michael. Time to join the club. (They are attacking people) David Now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael. And you'll never die. But you must feed. INT. Sam's Room Sam I wish Grandpa would stop giving me these stupid things. Michael I know who I am now, Sam. Sam Don't kill me, Mike. I'm basically a good kid, so just don't kill me. I can help you. Just tell me who the head vampire is. I thought it was Max, but I was wrong. Just work with me and I can help you. You'll be okay. Star Michael! Sam Is that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of them? Star I have to talk to you. Can I come up? Michael No! ( to Sam) You shut the window and lock your door. Sam She's one of them! And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person, Mike! Michael You know where David took me tonight, don't you, Star? Sam Who's David? Star Yes, and it's my fault. You would've not met me, if I hadn't liked you. I tried to warn you. Michael It was that night in the cave, wasn't it? That wasn't wine they gave me to drink. It was blood. That was David's blood. Sam You drank someone's blood? Are you crazy? Michael I'm just like David now, Star. Star No, you'r not. You're like Laddie and me. We're not them. Sam Until you make your first kill! Michael Why didn't you kill me last night? Star You're supposed to be my first. That's what David wanted. But I couldn't Michael. Michael Why? Because you are care so much about me? Yes, I do. What are you doing here? What do you want from me? Star I wanted to tell you that it's not too late for you. But for me it gets harder and harder to resist. I'm weak. Michael Why did you come here tonight, Star? Star I was hoping you would help Laddie and me. Star! Sam Don't kill anybody until we get back to you! Michael What are you doing? Sam I got connections. INT. Grandpa's House Morning Edgar Where's Nosferatu? Sam Who? Edgar The prince of Darkness. Alan The night crawler. The bloodsucker. El Vampiro. Sam Mike! They're here. INT. Driving Grandpa's car Sam Hey! Grandpa! Okay if we borrow the car? EXT. Hudson's Bluff Edgar Weapons check. Michael I don't want you going down there. Sam I'm going. Michael Look, this isn't a comick book, Sammy. These guys are brutal killers. Sam So are the Frog Brothers. Edgar Check me. Sam Who'd you rather go down in with you? Them or me? Michael If something happens down there, I won't have the strength to protect you. Sam This time I'll protect you. Even though you're a vampire, You're still my brother. Edgar Frog If you try to stop us, or vamp out in any way, I'll stake you without even thinking twice about it! Sam Chill out, Edgar. Edgar Frog Yeah, come on! Michael Where did you say you met these guys? INT. The cave Edgar Holy Shit! Vampire Hotel. She's one of them. Let's stake her out. Michael Don't you touch her. Stay away from her. Edgar Come on, Vampires have such rotten temper. The rest of them have got to be here someplace. We'll find them. Michael Star. I'm taking you out of here. Star No, take Laddie first. Please. Alan I feel draft. I think there's something up here. Edgar Let's check it out. Sam. Come on. Sam I'll be right back, Mike. I hope. Edgar Come on, Sam., let's go. Move out! Move! Alan Flies. Edgar We're on the right trail. Flies and the undead go together, like bullets and guns. Come on! Sam What's that smell? Edgar Vampires, my friend. Vampires. Sam It's freezing in here. Come on, guys, it looks like a dead end. Let's head back. Edgar There must be coffins here someplace. Sam There's nothing here. Let's go, guys. Edgar Jesus! Sam I thought they'd be in coffins. Edgar That's what this cave is. It's one giant coffin. Right now they're at their most vulnerable. Easy pickings. Sam Remember. You just have to kill the leader. Alan We don't know which one he is. Edgar I guess We'll just have to kill them all. Alan Let's start with the little one. First come, first staked. Sam What's that, a little vampire humor? It wasn't funny. Sam No. Edgar Good night, bloodsucker. David You're dead meat! Edgar Get him into the sunlight! David Tonight! Alan We blew it, man! We lost it! Edgar Shut up! Alan We unraveled in the face of the enemy! Edgar It's not our fault. They pulled a mind-scramble on us! They opened their eyes and talked! Sam I'll drive. Alan We don't ride with vampires. Sam Fine, Stay here. Edgar We do now. Come on! Sam. Let's get out of here. Burn rubber! Sam " Burn rubber" does not mean warp speed! INT. Grandpa's House Sam Cool it! Naonook! Alan Your dog knows a flesh-eater when he smells one. Michael Take him outside, Sam. Sam Come on, Nanook! Grandpa You know the rule about filling up the car with gas when you take it without asking? Michael No, Grandpa. Grandpa Now you do. INT. Sam's Room Sam We definitly blew Plan A. Alan Time to active Plan B. Sam Okay, what's Plan B. Alan We don't have one yet. We have two and a half hours to come up with one. Sam What happens then? Alan The sun goes down. They'll be looking for us. INT. The Video Shop where Mom works Sam Mom! Mother Sam, what are you doing here? Sam Mom, listen, I've got to tell you something. It's real important. Santa Carla is crawling with vampires. Mom, I'm serious. Edgar staked one of them. It was screaming and fizzing. Look! There's evidence on my sweater. Mom, you gotta tell someone! Mother This isn't funny. Sam I'm not kidding! They're coming to the house as soon as it gets dark! Mother Stop it! Right now! Stop it! Sam But, Mom. Mother Not another word! I don't believe you're doing this. I'm gonna see Max tonight, and you're trying to ruin it for me. Sam No, I'm not. Mother Honey, there's nothing wrong with Max. I don't know wht you don't want me to see. Sam I'm not talking about Max! To hell with Max! Mother I'll deal with you later, young man. Sam Guys, we're on our own. Alan Good. That's just the way we like it. INT. Grandpa's House Sam Grandpa, the Widow Johnson called. Said to pick her up at 7, not 8, okay? Grandpa We've got a date tonight? Sam I guess so. She said not to be late. Grandpa I better get cleaned up, then. INT. Michael's Room Star They'll be coming for Laddie and me, won't they? Michael They'll be coming for all of us. Star Laddie, wake up. INT. Max's House Max Thorn, stop that! What's the matter, Lucy? Mother It's just old memories coming back. Max No, seriously. Why are you so jumpy tonight? Mother Well, it's something Sam He came into the store. It was just a kid's imagination, I'm sure, but he seemed so sincere, but it's insane. Max Tell me. I promise not to laugh. Honest. INT. Grandpa's House Edgar I think I should warn you all when a vampire dies, it's never a pretty sight. No two bloodsuckers go out the same way. Some yell and scream. Some go quietly. Some explode. Some implode. But all will try to take you with them. Sam Nanook! I left him outside. Don't go out there! Stop him! Edgar Sam! Come back! No way! Star Michael, they're coming! They're coming! Edgar hurry up, man! Michael Take them upstairs! Edgar I say we terminate them right now. Star Laddie, run! A vampire You're mine. You killed Marco. Edgar Yeah. You're next! A vampire No. You're next! Garlic don't work, boys. Edgar Try the holy water, dead breath! Sam Mike, Wake up! A vampire You missed, sucker. Sam Only once, pal. Sam I nailed one of them downstairs with a bow and arrow. Edgar We trashed the one that looked like Twisted Sister. Alan We totally annihilated his night stalkin' ass! Edgar And Nonook helped a little. Death to all vampires! Maximum body count. We are awesome monster bashers! Alan The meanest! Edgar The baddest! Alan Holy shit! The attack of Eddie Monster! Get him! Star Stop! Get away from him! Just stay away from him! He's just a little boy. Michael You're afraid to face me, David? David I tried to make you immortal. Michael You tried to make me a killer! David You're a killer! My turn. Stop fighting me, Michael. I don't want to kill you. Join us. Michael Never! David It is too late, my blood is in your veins. Michael So is mine! Star Michael! Michael Don't let them see me like this. Get away, Sam. Sam Michael, what's wrong? Michael I said, get away! Edgar What's the big deal? You destroyed the head vampire. It's all over. Michael Nothing's changed. Star He's right. I don't feel any different. Edgar Then there's still one more. Sam I'll handle Mom. Come on, go. Don't let her se the bodies. Mother What happened? Where's Michael? What happened to your face? I don't want to hear another word from you until I talk to Michael. Max I'm sorry, Lucy. This is all my fault. David and my boys misbehaved. I told you, boys need a mother. Mother Max, what are you talking about? Sam I knew it. You are the head vampire. Mother Sam, don't start this again. Star You're the secret David was protecting. Mother Who's this? Alan But you pass the test. Max Don't ever invite a vampire into your house, you silly boy. It renders you powerless. Sam Did you know that? Edgar Of cause. Everyone know that. Mother Has everyone gone crazy? What's the matter with all of you? Max It was you I was after, all along, Lucy. Mother What? Max I knew that if I could get Sam and Michael into the family. There was no way you could say no. Mother Where's Michael? Max It was all going to be so perfect, Lucy. Just like one big happy family. Your boys. And my boys. Edgar Great. The bloodsucking Brady Bunch. Max I still want you, Lucy. I haven't changed my mind about that. Michael I didn't invite you this time, Max. Mother Michael. Sam Don't you touch my mother. Max Don't fight, Lucy. It's so much better if you don't fight. Sam Mom, don't! Don't do it, Mom! Mother Are you okay? Sam Yeah. Star It's over. Michael Is everybody okay? Mother Oh, Michael. Oh, my boys. Edgar How much do you think we should charge them for this? Mother Dad! Dad, are you all right? Grandpa One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach. All the damn vampires.