(reprinted without permission by Ruth J. Fink-Winter ) 
Janet Majors: Attractive suburbanite in her twenties.  Recently 
established a promising career and is adapting accordingly. 
Brad Majors: Attractive suburbanite in his twenties.  Recently 
unemployed and is not adapting accordingly.  Doubled with the role of... 
Farley Flavors (F.F.): Local boy made billionaire. 
Oliver Wright (Olly): Handsome man in his fifties with a distinguished 
professional background and an inquiring mind. 
Betty Hapschatt: Young current affairs host.  Bright, troubled, 
generous.  Recently divorced from... 
Ralph Hapschatt: A personable opportunist. 
Cosmo and Nation McKinley: a sinister couple of undefined European 
Everett Scott (Scotty): Wheelchair-bound Manager of T.V. station and 
general manipulator.  About 50 (with a slight Viennese accent). 
Ricky: Nurse in his twenties. 
Ansalong: Nurse in her twenties. 
Mrs. Ruby Weiss: Mom -- 50's. 
Mr. Weiss: Dad -- 50's. 
Officer Vance Parker: Cop -- 30's. 
Kirk Idle: Grease Monkey -- 20's. 
Neely Pritt: T.V. Reporter. 
Macy Struthers: Information Desk. 
Brenda Drill: Teenager. 
Oscar Drill: Her brother. 
Glish Davison: Her boyfriend. 
Mr. Clark: Banker -- Late 40's. 
T.V. Studio Staff 
A Cheer Squad 
Brenda Drill's Mother 
Investigative Reporter 
The People of Denton, U.S.A. 
Sc. 1 T.V. STUDIO 
{T.V. Image -- Title -- Full Frame 
"Community Service Broadcast" 
Finger presses button on console.  Red fingernail.  Black console. 
T.V. Image: Macy Struthers at information desk of "Farley Flavors 
Leisure Center" answering phone inquiry.} 
MACY: You wish for information about Denton?  Why surely. 
You'll find happy hearts and smiling faces 
And tolerance for the ethnic races  
in Denton 
{TV image appears with Officer Parker in front of manicured home 
PARKER: You'll find a rambling rose and a picket fence 
Tenderness and innocence 
in Denton. 
{TV image appears with Mr. Clark in front of his bank.} 
CLARK: You'll find conference rooms and a children's playground 
Denton is a real OK town 
{Pull back from TV image to find us in the control room of a small TV 
station.  Janet Majors is switching cameras and operating the panel.  In 
front of her a wall of monitors, beyond a studio set up for an interview 
with Betty Hapschatt in the chair and Judge Oliver Wright settling in as 
her guest-to-be.} 
CLARK: Civic pride and civic duty 
And Denton girls are full of beauty. 
{Cheer squad in football field} 
GIRLS: You may call us the goody goody two shoes 
But we're here to cheer you with the good news 
That D-E-N-T-O-N gets 10 out of 10 -- again and again 
{During the following we cut to various homes and view differing social 
stratas of Denton watching the television (as in a series of Norman 
Rockwell paintings)} 
{The T.V. image of Denton citizenry marching and singing.} 
CITIZENS: Denton,'ve got no pretention 
You're where the heart're okay 
Denton, Denton..I'd just like to mention 
You're the home of youth 
You're America's truth 
You're Denton Denton USA 
{Schoolkids sing outside church} 
KIDS: This is the Mecca of America  
The Bethlehem of the West 
This is the birthplace of the virtuous 
The home of happiness 
{Cut to assembled staff of "Farley Flavors Leisure Center} 
STAFF: {all wearing F.F. uniforms} Leisure-wise we're sure you will 
Enjoy your stay -- have a happy holiday 
And we'll all put Denton Denton on the map. 
{During final chorus we cut around homes again this time with the 
inhabitants singing along, toasting with cans of beer, generally having 
a good time} 
ALL AND SUNDRY:  Denton! Denton! You've got no pretention 
You're where the heart is! You're okay! 
Denton! Denton! I'd just like to mention 
You're the acceptable face of the human race 
You're Denton! Denton!  Denton USA.. 
{Back to studio.  Floor manager signals Betty.  Janet presses button.} 
BETTY: {her name appears on screen} {enthusiastically} Well how about 
that?  Wasn't that terrific?  And what about those shots of the new 
Leisure Center?  I for one can't wait for the opening tomorrow night -- 
But to return to our afternoon discussion with judge Oliver Wright -- 
Denton's leading social scientist. {She addresses him} Judge Wright? 
{We see his name appear at the bottom of the screen}  Do you feel that 
the film we've just seen is overly manipulative or a good thing? 
OLIVER: There are many ways that the spider may catch the fly... 
{Cut to control booth.  Janet pressing phone tabulator.  We see a bank 
of screens behind her with Betty and Olly on them.}{Oliver continues 
with "Monetary Inducements, Seduction, Prejudice".} 
JANET: Hello, Brad?  Listen, darling, I'm going to be a little 
late...well keep mine in the oven...of course I love you. 
OLIVER: {Background screens} Honeyed words... 
JANET: Look, I've got to go now. 
{Brad is sitting and watching TV.  He has a drink in his hand, a 
cigarette.  Vacuum cleaner at his side and his feet up.  Olly on his 
screen says "Lies".  Brad puts the phone down. 
{We cut to Janet putting down the phone.  She looks at her colleague in 
the control booth -- Neely Pritt.  Neely raises her eyebrows in 
NEELY: Stand by for a commercial, Janet.  It's as close as we'll come to 
a successful man in this town. 
JANET: Right.  {She stabs at her desk.  The bank of TVs change to} 
{A commercial for Farley Flavors Fabulous Fast Food 5 F's} 
V/O:  First and foremost Farley Flavors Fabulous Fast Foods feed and 
fortify families for a fabulous future -- etc. 
{Cut to Brad switching off the TV.  Wanders into kitchen} 
Sc. 5 TV Studio 
{Cut to Betty and Olly walking off set} 
BETTY: Thanks you so much, Judge Wright, for a wonderful interview. 
OLLY: Judge Wright?  I /am/ retired and, besides Betty, you've known me 
long enough to call me Oliver. 
BETTY: Oh, Oliver, you're so tolerant. 
{We follow them through some swing doors and into a corridor} 
BETTY: Time for a coffee before you rush off? 
OLLY: Delighted, Betty --That is, if you don't mind being seen with an 
older man. 
BETTY: Why. Oliver, since Ralph and I separated maturity is something I 
look for in a man-- 
{A door reading "Everett Scott -- Station Manager" opens and Neely comes 
out with some papers.  We see Janet inside with Scotty (in a 
NEELY: {She smiles a cheesy smile at Betty} Hi Betty!  --That interview 
was so {searching for a word} probing. 
{Neely passes on -- Betty grits her teeth--} 
OLIVER: A free thinker 
BETTY: Everything's free there.  {They move on.} 
OLIVER:  Wasn't that Janet Majors I saw in Scott's office then?  Brad 
and Janet -- what an ideal couple -- 
{They reach the next office to Scotty's -- Betty opens the door} 
OLIVER: --More than anyone else in Denton, they represent the old values 
{They pass inside.  We see the shadows of Janet and Scotty through an 
opaque glass partition.} 
OLIVER:  Eisenhower would have been proud of them. 
SCOTTY (V/O):  Face up to it, Janet, he's an emotional cripple. 
{Oliver and Betty freeze and listen in.} 
JANET (V/O):  I know, I know, it's just... 
SCOTTY: I recommend, Janet, that you send Brad to the MacKinley's for 
treatment.  Cosmo and Nation MacKinley -- neuro-specialists par 
{Oliver and Betty can't believe what they're hearing.} 
JANET:  Neuro-specialists -- that sounds pretty drastic. 
SCOTTY: It's no use pussy footing around, Janet -- We have to cut quick 
and deep. 
OLIVER: {As if he has heard the name before}  MacKinley...MacKinley... 
BETTY: {whispers} {to Oliver}  Perhaps you knew them back in Europe? 
OLIVER: {Thinking hard} Hmmmmmm. 
SCOTTY (V/O): There's no use delaying another moment.  I'll phone the 
MacKinleys immediately.  I'm afraid there's only one 
{Shocked looks from Olly and Betty} 
Sc. 6 Brad and Janet's 
{In the kitchen.  Brad;s in his apron and upset.} 
BRAD: I'm not going, Janet. 
JANET:  What are you trying to do?  Make Scotty look like a fool?  He's 
made all the arrangements. 
BRAD:  But I don't need treatment -- {He drops a cup} 
JANET:  That's the second one this week.  {She exits.} 
{Brad drops to his knees with a dust pan and brush and starts cleaning 
up the mess -- He comes face to face with the blender -- He sings.} 
        SONG 'Bitchin in the Kitchen' 
BRAD: Dear blender?  Oh won't you help a first offender 
        Oh toaster?  Don't you put the burn on me.. 
        Re-fridge-erator why are we always sooner or later 
        Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night. 
        Dear knife drawer, won't you help me to face life more.. 
        Oh trash can, don't you put the dirt on me 
        Oh perc-o-lator why are we always sooner or later.. 
        Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night. 
{Upstairs bedroom.  Janet is throwing things into a suitcase.  She 
JANET:  Everything used to be okay 
        But I've been had 
        And Brad I'm sad to say 
{Janet has crossed to the window.  Janet's POV of rather battered 
ambulance arriving,} 
JANET:  Is on his way. 
        Micro-digital awaker {holding radio/clock} 
        Why are we always sooner or later 
        Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night. 
{Bathroom.  Janet enters with bag -- collecting the odd toilet 
JANET:  Shower curtain 
        Won't you help me to be certain 
        Oh toothpaste 
        Don't you put the squeeze on me 
{Janet brings bag downstairs in answer to doorbell} 
JANET:  Depilatator 
        Why are we always sooner or later 
        Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night. 
{Opens door.} 
MALE NURSE (RICKY):  I've come for Mr. Majors, Ma'am 
{Janet indicates kitchen and proceeds out door to throw bag in her car. 
A curious neighbour passes.  Brad is led to ambulance.} 
NEIGHBOUR:  Nothing serious I hope? 
{Neighbour looks as if she hopes that it's terminal} 
JANET:  No.  Just a routine check-up. 
{Neighbour looks put out.  Janet climbs in car.  Tears flow.  Engine 
JANET:  Oh carburetor 
        Why are we always sooner or later 
        Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night. 
{Chorus repeats as they drive off down street.  As they turn the corner 
and drive out of frame a billboard is revealed reading "Denton: Home of 
Sc. 6A  TV Studio 
{Scotty is operating telex.  It reads "F.F -- H.Q. -- D.C. subject 
committed.  As am I."} 
Sc. 7 Dentonvale 
{Establishing shot of Dentonvale.  A sinister, imposing but rather 
decrepit mansion run by a European couple, the MacKinleys, as a 
sanitorium.  A 'For Sale' notice features on the exterior. 
Inside Nation MacKinley, a glamourous professional woman in her 
thirties, slings a few strait jackets into a cupboard.  Her brother, 
Cosmo, a strange nervy man, is pushing bills and 'Final Demand' notices 
into a drawer.} 
MAC:    Flowers!  We must have flowers! 
NATION: The garden's a mess... 
{She rushes out and we follow her.  Nation hurries out and drags some 
tired flowers out by the roots.  The ambulance and Janet arrive.  Nation 
notices the 'For Sale' sign behind her and rips it off to reveal a sign 
saying 'Dentonvale -- Sanity for Today'.  Janet Brad et al. bundle in 
and Nation, holding the 'For Sale' sign behind her back, waves and 
smiles professionally. 
Mac's office is totally transformed and looks chic and professional 
complete with two desks and nameplates.  Brad and Janet enter.} 
MAC:    Ah.  Mr. and Mrs. Majors.  How wonderful to see you.  I 
understand you're going through a rather trying time... 
BRAD:   Listen!  There's nothing wrong with's just that Janet and 
I haven't... 
{Nation appears behind him and hypos him -- as he drops, she kicks a 
chair under him.} 
MAC:    {to Janet} Does he do this often? 
JANET:  {stunned, she doesn't know Nation hit him with the hypo} No! 
He's never done that before. 
MAC:    Good! Well there's still hope.  Lots of hope. 
NATION: {softly}  If anyone can help Brad.  We can.  {She presses 
JANET:  Well, he needs help. 
MAC:    And he'll get it. 
{Nurse Ansalong enters with a wheelchair.} 
MAC:    Ah.  Nurse Ansalong -- you're here. 
ANSALONG:       Well it was pretty short notice but I... 
NATION: SEE Mr. Majors to his room Nurse. 
MAC:    There are just one or two formalities that have to be dealt 
with, Mrs. Majors.  The committal papers need to be signed... 
{But Ansalong has started to wheel Brad out -- Janet wants to follow. 
Nation grabs the papers and glances at them.} 
JANET:  Could I do that later? 
NATION: Of course. 
{Janet exits after Brad -- Mac grabs the papers back and chases after 
them.  Mac just catches up with them and blocks the doors with his hand. 
The papers are in it and not wishing to appear too eager he pretends he 
is indicating the door.} 
MAC:    This is the room.  {He throws open the door.  We track in.  It's 
pretty bleak.} 
MAC (V/O):      Dr. Nation MacKinley and I chose the soft furnishings. 
{During this, Ansalong has strapped Brad to the bed.  She leans in to 
ANSALONG {sotto voce} Sign the papers tomorrow... 
JANET {looks at her questioningly}: Ah... 
ANSALONG {as Mac appears}: Sshh 
MAC {with papers}:  Just one or two details.  Does he have any living 
relatives?  Blood relatives? 
JANET:  No...couldn't I do this later? 
MAC:    Later? 
JANET:  Visiting hours? 
NATION: Of course. 
{She drags Mac out of the room.  Ansalong crosses to the door.} 
JANET {to Ansalong}:  Why did you tell me not to sign now? 
ANSALONG:  Well this way, you get the first day /FREE/. 
{She exits.} 
{Mac's office.  Scotty on phone to Janet's mother.} 
SCOTTY: A nervous emotional victim of our troubled 
times...I just wanted you to know that your daughter is coping.  About 
Brad?  Tell me, is there a history of his 
family?  Oh...adopted...I see. 
{Mac and Nation enter.} 
        Yes, I'll keep in touch.  And don't worry /she'll/ be with you 
soon -- and /he's/ in good hands. 
{Puts phone down.} 
        Infantile regression. 
NATION {to Mac}:  Our speciality. 
{Back in Brad's room Janet is alone with her sedated husband.  She is 
worried.  She sings.} 
        SONG: "In My Own Way" 
JANET:  If only you knew  
        How to win some prizes 
        If only you knew how to play 
        If you could sleep nights  
        And stop your crying 
        You might find out I still love you 
        In my own way {Janet moves to door} 
        If that's not enough then I'm  
        So sorry I met you 
        It was almost like leading you on 
        But there's more to it all 
        Than just wringing your heart out 
        Over something that keeps on going wrong 
{During chorus Janet sails down corridor out of front door and into her 
car.  Scotty, Mac and Nation peer out behind blinds and curtains. 
Ansalong files her nails on the porch.} 
JANET:  So don't tell me you love me 
        How am I supposed to know what that means 
        No don't sell emotion 
        You can't buy devotion 
        By throwing despair on your dreams. 
Sc. 8 Streets of Denton 
{Janet is driving through Denton along rows of similar suburban houses. 
JANET:  I hope that you'll smile 
        When you reach your conclusion 
        I hope that you'll know just what to say 
        But if it should mean that the party is over 
        You should know that I still love you 
{Janet has arrived at her parents' place.  She pulls into drive and gets 
JANET:  You should know that I still love you 
        You should know that I still love you 
        In my own way. 
{The door opens and we see Mom.  Music concludes under the following.} 
MOM:     Oh my poor baby. 
JANET:   Oh Mommy.  Brad's... 
{They hug} 
MOM:    I know Baby.  Scotty rang.  He's going to get the help he needs. 
{Cut to:} 
Sc. 9 Dentonvale 
{Scotty and Nation are watching a soap opera on TV.  Mac is in a state 
of agitation.} 
MAC:     It was so very good of you to find a patient for us, Doctor 
Scott.  {He pours a little drink} 
SCOTTY: Well I confess the decision to have Brad committed was not 
strictly my own. 
{Nation looks secretive} 
MAC:    Of course, Mrs. Majors -- Janet-- But I'm puzzled.  If she was 
so keen on getting him in here, why wouldn't she sign the papers. 
SCOTTY: No it wasn't Janet --exactly--It was, in fact, your new 
MAC:    /LANDLORD/! ! ! 
SCOTTY:  Dentonvale has been sold. 
MAC:    /SOLD/ ? ? ! ! 
NATION:  Dear old Scotty's settled everything. 
SCOTTY: Jah -- You endorse his product -- He endorses your research. 
MAC:    /HE/ ! ! ? ?  How dare this person take advantage of my 
NATION {with a secret smile}: I don't think he means to go that far. 
Sc.10 Janet's Parents' Place 
{The screen is filled by a TV image of a boiling jug being switched off. 
We pull back from the TV set to reveal Janet's mom echoing the action 
with an identical electric jug.  Throughout this scene a soap opera will 
play on the TV which echoes what is happening in the room.  Mom is 
making coffee.  Janet is holding a rather inappropriate dress and some 
gift wrapping.} 
MOM {to Dad}:   Well I wanted Janet to have it. 
JANET:  It's very nice. 
MOM:    It's imported -- Taiwanese! 
DAD:    Damn it Ruby she's not interested. 
{TV V/O "You're not interested"} 
MOM:     What are you trying to do?  Start an argument?  Don't you want 
your daughter to look pretty? 
DAD:    Who's she got to look pretty for? 
{Janet looks stricken} 
MOM: {defending}: She's got a husband. 
DAD {attacking}: She's got a weirdo!  /I've/ never been able to afford 
the time for a 'nervous breakdown'. 
{TV V/O "They say it's a nervous breakdown"} 
MOM:    Thank God he was born an orphan.  It would have killed his 
parents.  And thank goodness he hasn't ended up like the Slepstrini boy. 
{TV V/O "Thank goodness"} 
DAD:  What are you talking about.  Danny Slepstrini is a chip off the 
old block.  I played 18 holes of golf with his father just last week. 
And Hank says Danny' moved to New York.  {Pause}  To better himself. 
MOM:    He moved alright!  When they found him at the back of Wilson's 
bakery?  Naked?  With fifteen other men? 
{Dad's mouth starts opening and closing.} 
JANET {quietly}: Mexicans. 
{Dad makes for the door.} 
DAD:    I'm going to catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside. 
{He leaves.  Blushing scarlet.} 
MOM {to Janet}:  You shouldn't have said that. 
JANET:  Why? 
MOM:    Your father doesn't like Mexicans. 
{TV V/O "Ole'!"  As music starts, Dad enters from garage pushing a 
mower.  He mows around until the chorus when we see a vista of identical 
backyards with the occupants mowing.} 
        Song: "Thank God I'm a Man" 
DAD:    A man should call the toss...wear the pants and be the boss 
        A man should be the drake for his own damn sake. 
        And men should be the misters and masters of their sisters 
        And a man should be the reason for a heart to break 
        A man should cut the lawn.  Change a tyre.  Mend the worn 
        A man should never wait to oil a rusting gate 
        Men should hold the key positions in our country's great 
        A man should put the food upon the family plate. 
NEIGHBOURS {all mowing in time}:  
        So be moral.  Don't quarrel.  Fair and square is best 
        Let me alert you...that virtue won't hurt you or desert you 
        If you wear hair on your chest. 
        So always remember to follow the rules...Box clever 
        ...And jocks never 
DAD:    Hock another jock's tools 
        A man should wax a car.  Fix a fuse and tend a bar 
        A man should like his brow to be wet with sweat... 
        Men should know the right occasions to indulge in tax evasions 
        A man should know the settings that his spark plugs get. 
        /Faggots are maggots...Thank god I'm a man/ 
{Cut to:} 
Sc.11 Betty's place 
{Betty is in her 'singles' apartment.  She is on the phone to Oliver.} 
BETTY:  Oliver I would be glad to share a problem with you...Sure come 
on over... {Pause} /RALPH! !/  Not here he doesn't. {She looks at a 
photo of their wedding}  We're both being very adult about it.  After 
all, it /was/ a marriage of inconvenience.  He has his life, boring as 
it is and {seductively} I have mine...Eight o'clock's fine. 
{Cut to:} 
Sc. 12 Denton intersection. Evening 
{Janet is driving too fast.  We hear a siren.  It's the Denton traffic 
cop -- Officer Vance Parker.  He pulls her over, stops his car and 
walks back to Janet. 
VANCE:  Okay lady, what you got, lead in your shoe?  Oh it's you Janet. 
{He becomes what he believes to be charming.} 
        What are you trying to do, kill yourself? 
JANET:  I'm sorry, Officer Parker. 
VANCE {looks both ways}: Vance! 
JANET:  Oh?  It's just that not...very well and...{tears} I 
didn't want to miss visiting hour at Dentonvale. 
VANCE:  Dentonvale...say, that's for...{he goes to tap his head and 
turns it into a scratch}  I'm sorry to hear that Janet.  {He is secretly 
pleased but can't show it}  Look I'm going to let you go.  But drive 
carefully, otherwise, well, I'll have to book you... 
JANET:  Thanks Officer Par...Vance. 
VANCE:  Don't worry Janet.  Brad's probably feeling better already. 
{Cut to:} 
Sc. 13 Betty's place.  Night. 
{Oliver arrives.  Betty meets him at the door brandishing a fistful of 
BETTY {screaming at Ralph}: Alimony is just another word for rape! 
{opens door}  Oh Oliver!  Come in.  Look who's here! 
{We see Ralph -- Betty's estranged husband.} 
OLIVER: Oh--good evening, Ralph.  I'm not calling at an inconvenient 
moment am I? 
RALPH:  No--not at all Judge Wright.  I've got to get back to the 
Leisure Center.  We've got the big day tomorrow.  Our benefactor, Mr. 
Flavors, is jetting in for the opening and well...Farley expects! 
OLIVER: Ah yes.  Farley Flavors.  It's remarkable that the indigestion 
of an entire nation could build such a handsome edifice. 
RALPH {put out}: Well, I'll leave you /young/ things to it. 
BETTY {opening door} {whispers}  Shove it, Ralph! 
RALPH {at door} {whispers back}: You too, Betty! 
{Door slams.  Betty turns it on for Olly.  She crosses to the record 
BETTY:   Care for a quick cantata? 
Sc. 14 Dentonvale.  Night 
{Brad's room. 
Ricky opens door and Ansalong brings in the dinner tray.  She unstraps 
the restrained Brad and serves him his meal.  She lifts the cover off 
the dish revealing something unwholesome.  Ansalong makes to go.  She 
pauses at the door.} 
ANSALONG: You're really lucky.  You had today for free. 
{She leaves.} 
{Janet's car pulls into the Dentonvale drive.  A light glows from the 
dining room and balcony above giving a sinister feeling to the building. 
Upstairs Mac, Nation and Scotty are finishing dinner.  Ansalong clears 
the table.} 
SCOTTY: An excellent repast.  I must have the recipe... 
NATION: That's praise indeed from /you/, Scotty.  But, no secrets... 
MAC {resisting bonhomie}: With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll be TV 
dinners from now on. 
SCOTTY: Farley is already onto a TV winner--he authorised me to purchase 
the controlling interest in our local TV station --in my name--just as 
Dentonvale will remain in yours--now that his interest has embraced 
mental hygiene. 
NATION {as if to enthuse Mac}: Our field. 
MAC {unenthused}: What does he know about it? 
SCOTTY: Who do you think gave you Brad? 
{He throws down a file marked "Denton Dossier" "Eyes Only".  Mac and 
Nation look a little astonished.} 
SCOTTY {continues}: So that Janet would be free to spearhead his mental 
hygiene campaign. 
{Mac holds the file and we see page one headed "Brad Majors" -- Page 2. 
"Janet Majors" -- page 3 a newspaper cutting reads "Twins Tragedy".} 
MAC:    We're the experts. 
{Scotty grabs the file possessively.} 
SCOTTY:  Who trusts experts? 
NATION:  How did you come by this dossier? 
SCOTTY:  A Washington Contact. 
MAC:     What's your angle? 
SCOTTY: I was Janet's employer--and amenable to Farley's plans. 
NATION: Why Janet? 
SCOTTY: Everyone loves the girl next door, particularly Farley. 
NATION: So it seems. 
Janet impatient at the front door.  Ricky opens it suspiciously.} 
RICKY:  Visiting hours are over. 
{Shuts door. 
Janet rings again.  A messenger with a parcel arrives.} 
MESSENGER: Having trouble lady? 
{Door re-opens} 
RICKY:  I told you visiting hours are... 
{The messenger grabs Ricky and slams him against the door} 
MESSENGER: Sign here! 
{Janet takes advantage of the situation and pushes past. 
Back in the dining room.  The trio wait.  The door flies open.} 
MAC & NATION: Janet ! ! 
JANET:  I've come to see Brad. 
NATION:  That's out of the question, he's sleeping like a baby. 
{We hear a distant scream.  Mac and Nation commence a quick 
interrogation to unnerve Janet.} 
MAC:    It's you we're concerned about, Janet. 
NATION: Yes how are /you/, Janet?  Are you happy? 
JANET:  I'm -- happy. 
MAC:    There are countless people in this world who believe they're 
NATION: But they only /think/ they're happy. 
JANET:  That doesn't make sense. 
MAC:    Precisely. 
{The door opens.  Ansalong appears with the package and throws it at 
ANSALONG: Fresh off the doorstep. 
MAC:    First of the TV dinners, no doubt. 
{He tears off the wrapper.  The parcel reveals a videotape.} 
SCOTTY: Ah!  the M.O. from F.F.  This might interest you Janet. 
{Mac crosses to the cassette deck} 
NATION: Lucky we kept the system back from the garage sale. 
{Mac presses play button} 
SCOTTY: We have lift off. 
{Video flickers to life with a glamorous 'movie star' image of Farley 
Flavors.  Suave in tuxedo and matching eyepatch, a carnation glistens in 
his lapel.  He looks uncannily like a sophisticated fast-talking version 
of Brad.} 
FARLEY {V/O}: A big Denton welcome to my new delegation.   
        This is Farley--I'm here with the score.   
        We're gonna package and sell some mental health to the nation 
        With my dream of the girl next door. 
{Janet looks fascinated.} 
{'Movie star image animates into song.  Camera reveals debonair Farley 
at white grand piano.} 
Sc. 15 Farley's Song 
FARLEY {sings}:  
        Oh why aren't they doing tomorrow's new dance step 
        The way they used to yesterday? 
        And who draws a perfect circle anymore? 
        If you're waiting for greatness to shake hands with you 
        You'd better daydream your life away 
        I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure. 
{Farley appears singing and dancing up a storm down the aisles of his 
fast food factory, ethnic employees dance amongst burgers hot dogs etc.} 
        You're not just looking at a fast food kind 
        Just another well known face 
        You're not looking at the king of anything 
        I'm gonna shoot for the moon 
        And play high noon 
        I'm gonna take on the entire human race 
        You're not looking at a king 
        You're looking at an ace. 
{Farley next appears in a romantic forest glade setting.  Sunlight 
glancing trees, water rippling.  Farley could be penning some verse and 
        Oooh I got sight an' I've seen the light  
        An' I'm gonna see the comin' day 
        When the sun in the sky is a spotlight just for me 
        I'm gonna take my time an' rock some rhyme 
        That's gonna take your breath away 
        I'll be the front page rage of the age just wait an' see 
{During this we see Janet's enthusiastic reactions.  Next is a montage 
of "Successful Farley" flashed at social gatherings, giving speeches, 
meeting presidents, etc.  Montage accelerates with chorus.} 
        You're not just looking at a fast food kind 
        Just another well known face 
        Etc. to... 
        You're looking at an ace. 
{Last line repeats as Farley seems to step out of screen and take Janet 
in his arms ending in a clinch that vanishes with the last chord.} 
NATION {to Janet}: I just love home movies, don't you? 
{Janet is transfixed by the image of Farley 
Final V/O over Farley's frozen image.} 
FARLEY {V/O}: Time's tight, Janet 
              Do it right, Janet 
              Until tomorrow night, Janet. 
Sc. 16 Dentonvale.  Night. 
{Video ends with a click.  The trio crowd around Janet.} 
JANET:  But... 
MAC:     We're going to put psychiatry within the reach of every family 
in this great nation of ours. 
JANET:   I won't be a party to this.  I want to see Brad. 
NATION:  The question is, does Brad want to see you?  Quite frankly, he 
hates you. 
JANET {horrified}: What do you mean? 
MAC {softer approach}: Brad has deep feelings of hostility towards you. 
JANET:   Me? 
MAC:    It's classical.  Almost a textbook case... 
{Janet cries} 
MAC:    That's an extremely negative response. 
SCOTTY: Jah, Janet.  Leave the crying to Brad. 
JANET {through tears}: Is it because I'm too successful? 
MAC:    On the contrary.  He /wants/ to see you play the fame game.  He 
/needs/ a woman of exceptional desirability. 
NATION: So you see, Janet, you can help us to help him. 
{Cut to Brad screaming.} 
Sc. 17 Road outside Dentonvale 
{We see the lights in Dentonvale.  A car whispers past containing Oliver 
and Betty.} 
BETTY:   I do hope everything works out for Brad and Janet.  In the 
hands of those... 
OLIVER {thoughtfully}: MacKinleys ! ? 
Sc. 18 Dentonvale.  Dining room 
{They have their campaign schedules with "F.F" logos} 
SCOTTY: So that brings us right up to the Grand Opening at the Leisure 
Center tomorrow night--The day beginning with your on-camera Breakfast 
Show Special, Janet.  Right, Beauty Sleep--we've got an early start. 
JANET:  Can I just 'peep in' on Brad before I go home? 
SCOTTY: Go home? 
NATION: This is the nerve center of operations, Janet.  You must stay 
here tonight.  {Rings buzzer}  That way we can all be here when Mr. Sun 
paints us a new day with his golden brush. 
MAC:    And you can 'peep in' on Brad in the morning. 
{Ansalong appears} 
NATION: Have you made beds up for Janet and Doctor Scott? 
ANSALONG: Yep.  Scott Room 4, Majors Room 11. 
MAC:    And have Ricky lock up for the night. 
Sc. 19 
{We see a bleak vista of Denton by night.  A few desolate street lights 
flicker sadly.  We see a sign reading "Lover's Leap--ten feet above sea 
We pull in to a parked Volkswagen and discover Betty and Olly} 
OLIVER: Clever of you to find this spot, Betty. 
BETTY:   It pays to know your way around, Oliver.  Look, there's the 
Leisure Center. 
{We see a dark domed shape with a neon reading "Farley Flavors Leisure 
OLLY {quoting 'Kublai Khan'}: A "stately pleasure dome" indeed. 
BETTY:   Oh I adore Coleridge Taylor. 
{Betty starts to quote "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner"} 
        "It is an ancient mariner 
        And he stoppeth one of three 
        By thy long grey beard and glittering eye 
        Now wherefore stopp'st thou me" 
{Olly looks a little uneasy} 
Sc. 20 Dentonvale 
{Exterior of Dentonvale with lights on.  The camera peers into each 
bedroom window in turn.} 
        Song "Lullaby" 
{Mac and Nation's room.} 
NATION: I feel the heat from your skin  
        And the stubble on your chin 
        You're no good 
BOTH:   You're no good 
NATION: You've got dirt on your hands  
        And everybody understands 
        You're no good 
BOTH:   You're no good 
MAC:    What a joke... 
NATION: What a joke... 
{Janet's room} 
JANET:  You feel like choking. 
{Brad's room. 
We see him choking} 
{Ansalong's room 
She's with Ricky} 
ANSALONG: You play for broke... 
RICKY:  You play for broke... 
ANSALONG: He leaves you smoking 
{She is.  Ricky is reading a comic} 
{Janet's room.   
She is in tears} 
JANET:  Oh romance is not a children's game 
{Mac and Nation's room.} 
NATION: You keep going back 
{Nation steals a kiss from Mac} 
{Janet's room.} 
JANET:  It's driving you insane 
{Brad's room. 
He is beating his head against the wall} 
{Mac and Nation's room.} 
NATION: Drift into the treacle deep 
        Slip into its silent depths -- go to sleep 
        With your everything akimbo 
        Float into the sandman's limbo 
ALL:    Night night 
NATION: It's time for bye byes 
{Scotty's room} 
SCOTTY: It's been a great day thanks a heap 
        Now it's time for everyone to go to sleep 
{Camera pulls away from exterior of Dentonvale as chorale builds and the 
lights switch off room by room} 
ALL:    So night night {BASS: Night Night} 
        It's time for bye byes 
        It's been a great day 
        Thanks a heap 
        Now it's time 
        For everyone 
        To go to sleep 
{Brad cries quietly in his darkened cell.} 
Sc. 21 Lover's Leap.  Morning. 
{The VW is still there.  Oliver has drifted asleep.  Betty ends her 
all-night recital. 
BETTY {V/O}:  
        "...he went like one that hath been stunned 
        and is of sense forlorn. 
        A sadder and a wiser man 
        he rose the morrow morn." 
{Vance Parker pulls up in his prowl car.  He gets out, crosses to the 
car, removes a dead pigeon from the hood and knocks on the window.} 
VANCE:  Does this belong to you? 
{Betty screams.  Oliver wakes.  Car starts.  Roars off.  Parker is left 
holding the bird.} 
Sc. 22 Montage 
{Denton waking up for the big day.  Newspaper van throws papers along 
suburban row.  Mr. Clark (the banker) reading headlines 'Flavors due in 
for Leisure Center unveiling' etc.  Florists shops working overtime. 
Streets being sprayed clean.} 
Sc. 23 Dentonvale 
{Scotty is wheeling himself towards Janet's room.  He wears a regulation 
dressing gown.  He just gets level with her door when he stop and looks 
around and furtively leans in towards the keyhole.  The door opens and 
hits him on the head.  Janet steps out with towels etc.  She's heading 
for the showers. 
JANET:  When do I get to see Brad? 
SCOTTY: After breakfast.  You're looking a little tense, Janet. 
{She walks on to the shower room and goes in.} 
SCOTTY {to door}: Maybe I could give you a little massage.  My hands are 
{We hear the water come on} 
SCOTTY {shouts}: In my time they used to call me the Merlin of Berlin. 
{Door slams} 
{The kitchen at Dentonvale.  Nation preparing breakfast.  She closes 
door on eye-leve grill and steps into another room.  Scotty 
enters--sniffs the air--wheels across to the oven, sniffs again--looks 
furtively around--presumes he is alone and stands up to look through 
oven window--suddenly we are aware that Nation is behind him.} 
NATION: Nice to see you up and about Scotty. 
{Scotty splutters--his wheelchair fraud exposed.} 
NATION {continues}: Is Janet awake? 
{Scotty falls back into the chair deeply embarrassed at being caught out 
of his wheelchair.} 
NATION {continues}: We'll leave her to Mac.  I'm going to take advantage 
of your gastronomic wizardry.  {Hands him the pan} 
SCOTTY: Well, ha, ha, in my time they used to call me the Merlin of 
NATION {sweetly}: They probably meant Irving and wanted you to swing. 
{Janet enters her room and finds Mac lying suavely on her bed stroking a 
rubber sheet} 
JANET:  I want to see Brad! ! ! 
MAC:    I understand your concern, but I feel it's time you started 
thinking of yourself. 
{He leaps up and pushes her towards a mirror} 
MAC:    Look at yourself.  You're beautiful.  More beautiful than any 
film star, and I should know.  In the old days we had them at the clinic 
all the time... 
JANET:   Is it true they're all midgets with big heads? 
MAC:    Absolutely.  Compared to them, you are perfection, flawless 
beauty. {She blooms} You are the most desirable creature that ever 
JANET:   If only Brad could have found it within his heart to say those 
things to me. 
MAC:     He will.  But it's up to you to reawaken his feelings.  You've 
got to /be/ fabulous.  /Say/ fabulous things.  /Wear/ fabulous clothes. 
/Do/ fabulous deeds.  And Farley's give you that chance--starting right 
now--you can use the Breakfast Show to knock Denton dead. 
JANET:  Do you really think so? 
MAC:    You've got a really tight team around you.  And everybody 
/needs/ you! 
JANET:  But what'll I /do/?  What'll I /say/?  What'll I /wear/? 
        Song: "Little Black Dress" 
MAC:    Ever since I was a little boy 
        Dressing up has always been my greatest joy 
        In a uniform shawl or smock 
        An overall tux or frock 
        Each of them has brought me happiness 
        But when it's time to be discreet 
        There's one thing you just can't beat 
        That's a strapless backless classical little black dress 
{Mac tears a black vinyl divan to pieces and makes the dresses for them 
MAC:    First you go rip rip rip 
        Then you go snip snip snip 
        Then you whip in a zip zip zip 
        An' split it up to the hip hip hip 
        An' as you strip strip strip 
        You quiver and shiver for that soft caress 
        As you slip slip slip...into that little black dress 
{The kitchen.  Scotty has just put a bottle of champagne in an ice 
bucket.  Nation gets the glasses.  Scotty crosses to a cupboard and 
takes out a tin marked: 'Caviar--product of the U.S.S.R.' He gives a 
knowing look to Nation and breaks into song.} 
SCOTTY: Ever since I was the einer kleiner Herren 
{typist's note: O'Brien's German is terrible} 
        It was domestic science for which I am most care-en... 
        My roast lamb or puree soup 
        Or my toast 'n' ham a la guadeloupe 
        They were cordon bleu prepared with great success 
        But the one taste treat so sweet 
        That really can't be beat... 
        Is what we have ja? how you are?...Caviar! 
        That little black mess 
{Janet and Mac appear...Janet first in "the look"...the little black 
dresses...guitar and sax blow bitterly...we cut to the champagne cork 
being pulled by Nation...she fills a glass and as Janet comes through 
the door she hands it to her...Scotty's mouth falls open with reverent 
astonishment...Janet crosses to the table, sits up and crosses those 
legs...boy does she cross those legs...} 
JANET:  Well first you go rip rip rip 
        Then you go snip snip snip 
        Then you whip in a zip zip zip 
        An' split it up to the hip hip hip 
        An' as you strip strip strip 
NATION: You quiver and shiver for that soft caress 
        As you slip slip slip...into that little black dress 
JANET: That minimal 
MAC: Criminal 
NATION: Sin-i-ful 
SCOTTY: Little black dress... 
NATION: Sin-i-ful 
SCOTTY: Little black dress... 
{Nation's made herself a version of "the look" out of the curtains. 
{They all drink champagne and make their way to Janet's car with their 
glasses spilling and much excitement.  We see that Nation is also 
wearing "the look".  They dance across the drive. 
ALL:    Let's face it Mac that basic black is coming back 
        Let's face it Mac that basic black is coming back 
        Let's face it Mac that basic black is coming back 
JANET:  That minimal 
MAC: Criminal 
NATION: Sin-i-ful 
ALL:    Little black dress 
{The song ends...Mac slides behind the wheel...(the car should have a 
bench seat).  Janet slides in the middle and Nation follows her and 
closes the door.  Scotty is left in the drive sitting in his wheelchair. 
SCOTTY: Hey ! ! !  I wanted to sit in the front. 
MAC:     Tough. 
NATION {without moving}  May I help you to get in the back, doctor. 
SCOTTY: Well...ahhh...I think I should sit in 
the...front...ahhh...I...didn't get any sleep last night...and well 
{Mac opens trunk and throws tow rope to Scotty slamming trunk on rope 
MAC:    Hold that! 
{Mac returns to driver's seat.  Nation smiles cruelly.} 
NATION: Let's burn rubber. 
{They do--Scotty hurtles along behind.} 
{We see a telex machine spewing out instructions from Farley Flavors to 
the station staff about Janet.  Neely Pritt tears it off.  It keeps 
coming.  She tears off more.  Still it keeps coming.  She moves to the 
door.  The machine chatters behind her.  Staff stand around.  We see 
they are holding schedule sheets with the "F.F." logo. 
NEELY:  Right stand by everyone.  She'll be here any minute now. 
{She crosses through the staff} 
STUDIO EMPLOYEE:  How did she swing this? 
NEELY:  How do rabbits get fur coats? 
{She passes on toward the front door.  There's a small knot of people 
gathered on the steps outside.  A news camera etc.} 
CROWD:  Here she is.  She's here etc. 
{The car pulls up.  They all pile out.  Scotty crashes into the back of 
CROWD:  Hooray.  Congratulations, Janet etc. 
NEELY:  Hi, Janet.  Everything's laid on.  We've got Studio One standing 
by.  I couldn't get hold of Betty Hapschatt so I'll have to do the links 
JANET: {ignoring her}  I don't need linking. 
{Janet sweeps through door marked "Make Up".  Neely fumes} 
{Betty arrives in TV station car park.  Stumbling out of her VW, she 
feels only slightly worse than she looks--and she looks awful.  She 
fumbles in her bag and produces sunglasses which she puts on.} 
{Janet is in a make-up chair.  The make-up girl is a little nervous. 
The trio group around.  We see them in the mirror.} 
MAC:    Out of self comes selflessness. 
SCOTTY: Show yourself.  The real you.  The secret you. 
NATION: You'll like what you see. 
{Janet's appearance is Denton Television's notion of glamour.  A tacky 
staircase, a few stars on wires and some over-ripe dancers.  Mac,  
Scotty crowd into the control room.} 
NEELY: {V.O.} The fabulous.  The golden.  The very wonderful... 
VOICES SING:  Janet--Janet--Janet--Janet--Janet 
        Song: "The Me of Me" 
JANET: {with mirror}    There's just the two of me 
                        Alone at last together 
                        We've got the luck so far 
                        We are my lucky star 
{jungle drums} 
                        Deep in the heart of me 
                        I love every part of me 
                        All I can see in me 
                        Is the danger and the ecstasy 
                        One thing there couldn't be 
                        Is any more me in me 
                        This is the me of me 
{Dancers clump around.  Film stars/showgirls/femmes fatales etc.} 
                        Me Me Me 
{Betty arrives in control room.  Can't believe here eyes} 
Sc. 25 DENTON 
{Cut around families eating breakfast watching Janet, including Janet's 
{Ricky and Ansalong watching TV.  Thumping heard from Brad's room} 
ANSALONG: {remembers} Forgot to let him out of the closet! 
{Rushes out} 
JANET:  I am my destiny 
        I'll always believe in me 
        I'd never lie to me 
        I'd be willing to die for me 
        I'll pray every day to me 
        Here's what I'd say to me 
        This is the me of me 
{Dancers reappear--Generals/kings/gigolos etc.} 
        Me Me Me 
{Big finish.  Dancers collapse.  Crew applaud.  The trio rush from the 
CROWD:  Well done.  Congratulations.  That was hot.  What an act etc. 
NEELY: {on camera in background} And you can see *and* hear Janet 
tonight at the opening of Farley Flavors Leisure Center...etc. 
{Betty appears through the crowd} 
BETTY:  How's Brad? 
{The trio freeze, expecting the worst.} 
JANET:  If he caught my act he'll be mending nicely.  {Betty looks 
appalled}  It seems I'm his medicine so we're off to give him another 
{Mac and Nation nod and smile} 
{Janet sweeps out.  Trio follow.  Betty remains--puzzled by the 
{Mom and Dad are on their way to visit Brad--sitting in the car by the 
gas pumps.  Kirk Idle is giving Dad an extra gallon.  We see a sign 
behind them that reads-- 
        "Regular Customers only--No accounts 
                No credit cards--No cheques" 
KIRK:   Hey.  I caught the Breakfast Show.  Janet was a knockout. 
MOM:    Thank you. 
KIRK:   Yeah she looked terrific.  Sexy. 
{Dad looks angry at this.  Kirk swallows.} 
KIRK:   Sexy and yet at the same time {searches for a word} 
"Fresh"--untouched--you know.  How's Brad? 
MOM AND DAD: {quickly} He's fine. 
{Dad hands Kirk some dollars} 
KIRK:   No.  That's all right. {rejecting money}  Lucky dog having a 
pretty girl like that for a wife. 
{Dad gets in the car quickly} 
DAD:    Oh yeah he sure is.  Ah.  Thanks for the gas, Kirk. 
KIRK:   Well, you scratch my back {They drive off} and I'll scratch your 
{Betty on phone to Oliver} 
BETTY:  She was like a different person, Oliver.  A fantasy of Fast Food 
Farley.  And one look at those "Mac Kinleys"--listen, if Brad's getting 
treatment from them, well... 
{Oliver's voice barks instructions}  I'm on my way. 
{Mom and Dad are visiting Brad.  Suddenly the door flies open and Janet 
sweeps into the room.  Brad is bound and gagged and straining at his 
JANET:  I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am. 
MOM:    My God, Janet!  How can you say such things?  Look at Brad, look 
what they've done to him. 
{Mac, Nation and Scotty follow in} 
MAC:    Ahhh! 
DAD:    There's going to have to be an inquiry. 
MAC:    Ahhh! 
DAD:    There are regulations. 
MAC:    Well..It's 
JANET:  For his own good. 
MAC: {relieved} Of course.  He was in great danger of harming himself. 
NATION: We only want what's best for him, as parents you *must* 
DAD:    No.  No I don't.  He doesn't have to be trussed up like a 
turkey.  There are drugs that can keep him quiet. 
NATION: We used them.  All of them. 
MOM:    And none of them worked? 
DAD:    Then double the strength. 
NATION: We did. 
MAC:    We know our job. 
NATION: And we also know how you feel, we're not strangers to confusion. 
MOM:    We're not confused. 
DAD:    Well I am God damn it!  {He turns to Janet}  You trust Brad 
with...with...this {he points to Mac} in the dress.!?! 
        Song "Shock Treatment" 
MAC:    I'm not a locum with motive to suture myself 
        I've been a cynic for too many years 
        Playing doctor and nursey can be good for your health 
        I've seen clinics with those gimmicks in Tangiers. 
{Mac and Nation demonstrate their techniques on Scotty--planning to 
exploit his pretence at being wheelchair bound.  Scotty is alarmed but 
realises he must go along with their plans.} 
NATION: {to parents}     
        But if you open your heart to a smooth operator 
        He'll take you for all that you've got 
        Then he'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later 
        It'll shake you the way he takes off like a shot. 
MAC:    You need a bit of... 
ALL:    Ooohhh Shock Treatment 
MAC:    Get you jumping like a real live wire...Need a bit of... 
ALL:    Ooohh Shock Treatment 
MAC:    So look out mister don't blow your last resistor 
        For a sister who will mystify yah. 
MAC:    {to Brad} 
        You're blinded by romance and blinded by science 
        Your condition is critically grave 
        But don't expect mercy from such an alliance 
        Suspicion of tradition's so new wave 
        You need a bit of... 
{Repeat chorus during which Scotty gets a few volts--which gets him up 
and about--pretending the 'shock treatment' has cured him. 
{They dance through.  We see Ansalong with Ricky, the male nurse, in a 
compromising situation.  They move on.  Ansalong and Ricky button up and 
join in.  Scotty has started dancing.} 
{Mac, Nation Scotty and Janet piles in the car.  Ansalong, Ricky, Mom 
and Dad wave goodbye.  They pull away like celebrities.} 
{The bushes move and we see Oliver and Betty spying with field glasses.} 
BETTY: {incredulous}  Look.  Look at that, Dr. Scott's walking {pause} 
OLIVER: Yes.  Macabre isn't it?  Right down their garden path. 
Sc. 31 DENTON 
{We have a driving sequence as Janet, Scotty, Mac and Nation head 
towards the Leisure Center.  The residents of the town gather and wave. 
Nation starts to sing a little song which they all pick up on.} 
        SONG "Carte Blanche" 
NATION: Carte blanche is like an avalanche  
        It kind of snowballs and sets you free 
ALL:    Carte blanche is like an avalanche  
        It kind of snowballs and sets you free 
        Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh 
{Populace wave.  Many wear "F.F" T shirts.  Janet starts enjoying her 
new role.} 
ALL:    Carte blanche is like an avalanche  
        It kind of snowballs and sets you free 
        Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh 
{Janet starts to respond to waving locals} 
JANET:  So if you're looking for a standard  
        To which you should aspire then babies 
        Look at me. 
{Mac and Nation look uneasy at this response.  Janet is enjoying herself 
and is beginning to believe her own publicity.} 
Sc. 32 Leisure Center 
{The car pulls up in what seems to be the expected celebrity manner.  We 
see the front of the building with a huge picture of Farley Flavors in 
best Red Square tradition.  There is a lot of activity as people prepare 
for the opening.  We see a sign going up, reading "*Grand Opening 
Tonite--in the presence of Farley Flavors, Janet Majors and the good 
people of Denton*".} 
{Ralph Hapschatt and his staff who are all in "F.F." uniforms wait on 
the steps to greet Janet.  A few kids stand to one side.  They hold 
autograph books etc.  Among their numbers we see Brenda Drill, her 
brother Oscar and Glish Davison (Brenda's boyfriend).  They cheer 
Janet's arrival.  Ralph steps forward.} 
RALPH:  Hi, Janet!  Welcome to the F.F. Leisure Center.  We're all very 
excited about tonight. 
JANET:  {indicating Farley's huge picture}  Do I get one of those? 
RALPH:  {embarrassed} Uh...yeah...yes...It's being done now. {He gives 
his assistant Macy Struthers a 'Get with it' look} 
MACY:   {grinning a fixed, some might say plastic, smile}  Hi!  Macy 
Struthers--Reception Executive and second-in-charge Personnel 
Co-ordinator. {She almost salutes} 
RALPH:  Ah, Macy.  Why don't you take Janet to the Poolside Suite.  She 
can freshen up before the courtesy tour? 
MACY:   Surely. 
{Flash bulbs pop.  Brenda pushes through.} 
BRENDA: {to Ralph}  You promised me an introduction. 
RALPH: {embarrassed}  Later, Brenda.  Ah, Scotty, could you spare a 
moment in my office. 
SCOTTY: {giving Mac and Nation a superior look}  Of course.  {Follows 
{Mac and Nation exchange looks and follow Janet and Macy.  Glish, 
Brenda, Oscar and friends move towards pool area} 
GLISH DAVISON: {to Brenda}  Who are those creeps with Janet? 
BRENDA: They're no creeps!  {Superior tone}  *Ralph* says they're 
GLISH:  Oh yeah.  When did Ralph say that? 
BRENDA: {taunting boyfriend} Never you mind. 
{Pool area is undergoing finishing touches.  Main pool is surrounded by 
bandstand garlanded in decorations.  Electronic machines are everywhere 
and sign boldly proclaiming leisure areas.  'Steam Room', 'Pool room', 
'Bowling Alley', 'Kids' Playground', etc.  Mac, Nation, Janet, Macy 
heading into a lift.  Scotty and Ralph through a door marked 'Private'. 
A reporter in sunglasses waits in the lift.} 
REPORTER:  I'm an investigative reporter from the Denton Daily.  Tell 
me, Janet, what will you be representing tonight? 
JANET: {stepping out of lift} Sanity for today. 
{Macy opens door to suite.  All enter.  She slams it in reporter's face. 
Brenda leads chanting below: 'We want Janet'.} 
{Ralph and Scotty hover by telex machines in office overlooking pool. 
Ralph holds F.F. schedule.} 
RALPH:  Brad? 
SCOTTY:  A wreck. 
RALPH:  Check.  The quacks are willing tools? 
SCOTTY: Fools! 
RALPH:  Check.  Janet?  Wow.  I wouldn't mind doing her one or two 
SCOTTY: Time to telex Flavors. 
{They do.} 
{Janet and co. are relaxing in luxury.  Nation mixes cocktails. 
Chanting in the background.} 
MACY: {a bit thin-lipped}  Anything else you'd like? 
JANET:  Yes.  A new carpet.  I hate the colour. 
{Macy leaves.  Chanting rises as door opens and closes.} 
NATION: It's only one night, Janet.  Let's not forget who we're doing 
this for? 
JANET:   Who? 
MAC:     Brad! 
JANET: {megalomania has taken over}  I'm sick of hearing about that lame 
dog.  I've got a lot going for me.  I'm going places.  I'm gonna be 
someone.  I'm gonna win my way into the lives and hearts of people even 
if I have to kill to do it.  I'll make the pathetic little crumbs love 
me.  I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here with you.  I should 
be with my people... 
{Janet slams out onto balcony.  Cheers rise.  Mac gives Nation a look. 
Nation produces a powder with which she laces cocktail.} 
{On the balcony.  Janet is waving.} 
CROWD (GLISH):  You're great! 
JANET: {humbly} Thank you. 
BRENDA: Hi!  My names' Brenda Drill.  I think you're beautiful...this is 
my brother Oscar and my boyfriend Glish're 
really are. 
OSCAR:  Are you a rock singer?  I bet she's a rock singer... 
GLISH:  Yeah.  I saw the breakfast show.  You're terrific. 
BRENDA: Your clothes are real neat... 
{Nation appears with Janet's drink containing sedative.} 
NATION: This is Janet.  She's a phenomenon! 
{Crowd goes wild.  Nation hands the drink and draws Janet towards door.} 
        I think you need a little rest.  You've got a big night ahead of 
JANET: {drinking} I'm not tired. 
{She wilts and Mac appears to drag her inside.  The windows close as do 
the curtains.} 
Sc. 33 Newspaper Montage 
{Papers are coming hot off the press.  Headline reads: 
        "Local Girl Pips Fast Food Pharaoh in Pop Poll" 
Large picture of Janet.} 
{We see papers thrown from vans.  Spotty paperboy bellows.} 
BOY:    Denton girl gets lucky!  Souvenir edition. 
{Mr. Clark, the banker, buys several copies.  He is with investigating 
CLARK:  Great story, Tom.  This could bring big money to Denton. 
Investment from the F.F. chain is an attractive speculation. 
{They head down street.} 
        Tell me, is tonight black tie...? 
BOY:    Extra!  Extra! 
Sc. 34 The Library 
{Oliver is behind a pile of books...We see pages being flipped in 
indexes under 'M', 'Mac', 'Mac Kinley'. 
OLIVER: I'm sure I know that name from the past. 
BETTY:  Well whoever they are, they seem most persuasive. 
OLIVER: {flipping pages}  Yes, Betty but the *false* promise of a new 
dawn is usually followed by a most bloody sunset. 
BETTY: {impressed}  Why, Oliver... 
{Betty is about to compliment his turn of phrase when she catches sight 
of the librarian, about to pin up a poster.  It reads: 
                        DENTONVALE MIDNIGHT 
                          GRAND OPENING 
                          In the Presence of  
                          "FARLEY FLAVORS" 
                          THE FABULOUS JANET 
                          (As seen on T.V.) 
                          Dress to Impress! 
                          Attire to Inspire! 
LIBRARIAN:  Isn't this exciting?  I've had a George Sand costume hanging 
in my closet since graduation.  I can't wait. 
{Betty gives her a patronising smile.  The librarian exits.  Olly takes 
down the poster.} 
BETTY:  Oh, Oliver...What are we going to do? 
{Camera reveals Farley perusing newspaper identical to clipping in 
"Denton Dossier"--date 1950--headline 'Twins Tragedy'. 
Sc. 35 Dentonvale 
{Brad is still bound and gagged and feverish...Mom and Dad are present. 
They look very worried. 
MOM:    Oh, what are we going to do? 
DAD:    Well...maybe I could wear my black patent leather brogues? 
MOM:    Too flashy...{Brad moans}  It's all right, Brad dear...have 
another sedative...we'll miss you at the party tonight. 
{Mom gives Brad a pill and they leave, passing Ansalong on the 
ANSALONG:  Sure, I'm going...Well, I guess I might wear my 
uniform...It's generally welcome anywhere...You're wearing what? 
MMMMMMMMM...Bye.  {Phone down} 
DAD:    Listen.  If you are wearing your uniform tonight...and I take it 
you are...take a few inches off the hem. 
ANSALONG:  Do you think so?  Perhaps you're right. 
DAD:    I know I'm right.  Bye... 
ANSALONG:  Bye... 
{We follow Mom and Dad across to their car.} 
DAD:    Maybe those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii might still fit. 
Sc. 36 Dentonvale. 
{Back in his cell, sedated, Brad enters a delirious sleep.  Janet 
appears--dream-like--muttering "I've just come to tell you how fabulous 
I am".} 
Sc. 37 Leisure Center. 
{Janet tosses and turns in her sedated stupor.  We pull into her face. 
She moans a little.  She's having an erotic but troubled dream.  We 
dissolve to images of Brad and her together.  Mac and Nation are busy 
scientifically monitoring their passion.  The door opens and the spectre 
of Farley stands in the shadows.  Brad becomes Farley.  Farley becomes 
Brad.  Mac and Nation laugh.} 
SCOTTY: {V.O.} Face up to it, Janet.  He's an emotional cripple. 
FARLEY: {V.O.}  
        Time's tight, Janet 
        Do it right, Janet 
BRAD: {V.O.} Until tonight, Janet. 
{She wakes up.  Guitar riff from next song starts throbbing.} 
{Janet is in a disturbed state.  She decides to run.  She crosses to the 
curtains, peeps out and spots Mac and Nation on the balcony.  She 
recoils to the door of the room.  It's locked.  She looks out the 
windows that overlook the car park.  Ralph is just finishing supervising 
the erection of her picture and her name in plexiglass.  Janet hurries 
to a door at the other end of the room.  It's a pass door into another 
suite, one which is being prepared for Farley Flavors.  There's a bar, 
from which she pours herself a large drink.  There are some clothes laid 
out, from which she selects a fedora, dark glasses and a black top coat. 
She takes another belt of booze, leaves the room and works her way 
towards the main entrance.  We see Ralph coming back into the building. 
Reporters descend on him.  Janet hides.  We pick up Ralph's voice as he 
walks towards where Janet is concealed, followed by newshounds.} 
RALPH:  Yes...*SHE* will be staying here until tomorrow...we have made 
rooms here in the Center over to her and her party...No!  I don't know 
what her next move will be...but you can be sure of one all 
starts here...gentlemen... 
{He passes by.  Janet moves quickly towards the exit.  From a high shot 
we see Janet going out of the building and Ralph glancing casually in 
her direction as he makes his way to the poolside balcony.  Brenda's 
gang are shouting "Janet--Janet--We want Janet".} 
MAC:    Shut up.  Shut up.  She's sleeping. 
BRENDA & CO: {whisper} Janet--Janet--We want Janet. 
{Ralph reaches Mac and Nation.} 
RALPH:  Message from F.F. 
{Silence.  Nation unlocks door.} 
MAC:    She's gone. 
RALPH: {remembers the figure he saw}  Struthers!  Check the parking 
lot!!  I'll call Parker. 
{Confusion reigns.  Oscar and Glish form search party.  Brenda 
approaches Ralph.} 
BRENDA: {coyly} If you need a stand-in...? 
Sc. 38 Denton Streets.  Night 
{Incognito Janet is cruising the streets of downtown Denton.  There is 
an edge of desperation as she sings.} 
        SONG: "Looking for Trade" 
JANET:  I'm in a cul-de-sac 
        An' I've got to go back 
        So c'mon feet 
        We gotta hit the street 
        We got it made... 
        I'm looking for trade 
Sc. 39 Dentonvale 
{Brad tosses and turns in his sleep.} 
BRAD:   I'm lookin' for love 
Sc. 40 Denton Streets 
{Janet cruises on foot.  Parker in patrol car is cruising in the other 
{During chorus the unemployed sons of Denton lounge against shop 
JANET:  I need some 
ALL:    Young blood 
JANET:  I need some 
ALL:    Young blood 
JANET:  I need it now 
        I need some 
ALL:    Young blood 
JANET:  I need some 
ALL:    Young blood 
JANET:  An' I'm gonna get it somehow 
        I'm in a dead-end street 
        Like a dog in heat 
        I'm like a kid with no toys  
        I gotta get those boys 
        Oohh I can't be delayed 
        I'm looking for trade 
Sc. 41 Dentonvale 
{Brad sweats.  Janet's image appears in his dream.} 
BRAD:   I'm looking for love 
Sc. 42 Electronic Games Arcade 
{The delinquents of Denton are whizzing and firing their machines in 
ALL:    We're all living like there's no tomorrow 
JANET:  And the way things are going that's probably true 
        But without you and me sis 
{She looks at her reflection} 
        The world'd fall to pieces 
        Vena Cava who's the raver? 
ALL:    Our raving saviour, that's you!! 
Sc. 43 Pool Room 
{Parker's car drifts past entrance.  Janet is inside.  The pool cues 
click in rhythm.} 
JANET:  I'm on the primrose path 
        Looking for a laugh 
        Remember blood must run 
        For the chosen one 
        There are games to be played 
        Looking for trade 
Sc. 44 Dentonvale 
{Brad's dream.  He and Janet.} 
BRAD:   I'm looking for love 
Sc. 44 Bar 
{Janet is drinking, surrounded by trade.  Glasses clink.} 
JANET:  I need some 
ALL:    Young blood 
JANET:  I need some 
ALL:    Young blood 
        I need it now 
{Repeat twice.  Oscar, Glish and col enter the bar.} 
JANET:  And I'm gonna get it somehow 
        I'm looking for trade 
OSCAR:  Janet, they're lookin' for you all over. 
JANET: {drunk and slurring} It's nice to be needed. 
GLISH:  You've got to come back.  We want to play at your party tonight. 
OSCAR:  Yeah.  We're a band and my sister Brenda persuaded Ralph to let 
us play. 
BARMAN: Yer under age.  Scram. 
JANET:  Whateryer called, yer band? 
OSCAR: {proudly} Oscar Drill and the Bits. 
{Parker enters, spots Janet, looks embarrassed but official.} 
JANET:  Come on, Bits.  Looks like our cab's arrived. 
{They head off.} 
Sc. 46 Helicopter. 
{We see Farley running towards us.  He ducks under the rotating blades 
and climbs in.  The door slams behind him.} 
BETTY: {V.O.} He was a president. 
OLIVER: President?  Past Presidents!!!  Betty, I think you've got it. 
BETTY: {V.O.}  Oh really?  {She appears.}  How do I look? 
{Betty appears in a sexy combat outfit.  She looks astonishing.  Oliver 
stands up and we see he is wearing the W.W.2 equivalent.} 
OLIVER: {clutches his heart}  Charming...quite...charming. 
{Gunshot resounds.} 
Sc. 48 Janet's Parents' Place 
{Janet's mom has fancy-dressed herself into a gun-toting cowgirl.  She 
fires caps at a mirror.} 
Song: "Look What You Did To My Id" 
MOM:    Like a chirp in a down town nitery 
        I'll be higher than a flyer has a right to be 
        The art will start when I play my part 
        As the tart with the golden heart 
        Oh look what you did to my id 
{Dad is in the next room.  He's wearing a 1940's Zoot Suit.} 
DAD:    Like Genesis this really is a first for me 
        I'm really glad that Janet laid this curse on me 
        I'm a brute in a cute zoot suit 
        That wants to put in the boot, shoot and loot 
        Oh look what you did to my id 
Sc. 49 TV Studio 
{Neely slipping into her 'on-camera' party outfit.} 
NEELY:  Like a good-time girl I couldn't feel much finer 
        Got a deep plum lipstick an' new eye-liner 
        These bitch-heels are so damn vicious 
        I feel weak with pleasure and so delicious 
        Oh look what you did to my id... 
Sc. 50 Dentonvale 
{Mac and Nation changing into doctors' coats, stethoscopes and 
        When there's heaven in the music 
        Hell is in control 
        The angels got the voices 
        But the devil got the rock and roll... 
{Scotty changing into jack-boots and lederhosen} 
SCOTTY: This could be the start of a whole career here 
        This could take me to a town that's nowhere near here 
Sc. 51 Leisure Center 
{Ralph ties bow-tie} 
RALPH:  To Betty I'm a chauvinistic ignoramus 
        But I'm gonna find a way to wind up being famous 
        Oh look what you did to my id 
Sc. 52 Dentonvale 
{Ansalong finishes alterations to uniform} 
        Got the hot flush symptoms an' I'm feeling freaky 
        Got my hem so high they'll say I'm being cheeky 
Sc. 53 Parker's Place 
{Bathroom of Officer Vance Parker.  He's in the bath (bubble).  He has 
his leg stretched out and is soaping it in a languid manner...He 
PARKER: Male Caucasian tall and handsome 
        With legs like mine I'm really made for dancin' 
        Oh look what you did to my id... 
Sc. 54 Bank Vault 
{Mr. Clark is in his vault opening a security locker revealing bondage 
magazines and manacles.} 
CLARK:  With my stocks and bonds I will secure completely 
        A sizeable prize even if the whole bunch beat me 
Sc. 55 Gas Station 
{Kirk has just poured himself into skin tight light silk or cotton 
overalls and he now pours himself into his custom car...} 
KIRK:   Feeling tuned and tight now that I've customised me 
        If I win tonight a'well it won't surprise me 
        Woah look what you did to my id 
Sc. 56 Brenda's Place 
{Brenda looks great in her party outfit} 
Brenda: In the best dressed contest 
        There's bound to be some jealousy 
        But the best dressed guest with whom I'm most impressed... 
        Is *ME* ! 
Sc. 57 Leisure Center 
{We cut to the road outside the center...We see everyone arriving...They 
walk.  Ride bikes...Motorcycles...Come in cars...There are flashes from 
cameras, TV mobiles...Anything and everything with a town of this size 
ALL:    You may say that we're being sexist 
        An' we've got egos that are bigger than Texas 
        But look what you did to my id 
        Look what you did to my id 
Sc. 58 {Outside Dentonvale} 
{The VW drives into view and Oliver hops out.  He gives final 
instructions to Betty.  The light from Brad's room glows against a night 
OLIVER: {military style} OK, Betty.  You have thirty minutes to get to 
the studios and search Scott's office. 
BETTY:  What am I looking for?    
OLIVER: Evidence. 
BETTY: {revs engine} OK, Oliver.  Good luck. 
OLIVER: Thanks, Betty. 
BETTY:  Oh, and Oliver... 
OLIVER: Yes, Betty? 
BETTY:   Be circumspect. 
Sc. 59 The Leisure Center. 
{Nation has organised a shower and coffee to sober Janet up--however 
Janet is behaving like a small child.  Mac is seething.  Glish and Oscar 
wit mesmerised; like most people they are mistaking histrionics for 
greatness.  Macy Struthers and Nation drag Janet from the shower and 
help her into a chair.  Oscar pushes coffee toward her.  Nation starts 
to dry Janet's hair.  Macy crosses to the door looking at her watch and 
showing signs of nervousness.} 
JANET: {murmurs} Brad!  Oh, Brad. 
NATION: {impatient} He's a lame dog, remember?  But even he wouldn't 
want to see you like this. 
{The door opens.  Ralph is there with newshounds.} 
REPORTERS: {V.O.s}  Well, can we see her--Look, I've come a long way--If 
the copy isn't ready in the next half hour it's forget time.  Etc. 
RALPH:  Later, boys... 
{He closes the door--Macy indicates Janet} 
RALPH: {continues}  How is she?  {Macy shrugs and pulls a face}  Yeah! 
Well, I just got word Farley's landing any minute.  You guys!!  {Oscar 
and Glish}  Get yer asses down on that stage and try and earn yourselves 
a reputation.  Okay?  *Move*!!! 
{Ralph rushes out followed by Macy} 
{Oscar and Glish shuffle a bit--Oscar puts a couple of grubby pills on 
the table} 
OSCAR:   For you, Janet--they'll make you feel real good. 
GLISH: {awkwardly} yeah, right. 
{They exit.  Nation skillfully pops her own pill into Janet's coffee.} 
NATION:  Amateurs! 
Sc. 60. TV Station 
{Reception area--a monitor set shows activity at Leisure Center.  Betty 
tried to look as though she's there on legitimate business (which is  
of difficult in commando gear).  A colleague approaches her.} 
TV COLLEAGUE:  Oh hi, Betty -- I thought you'd be at the Leisure Center. 
BETTY:  Oh--I couldn't think what to wear. 
{Betty walks on and studies a wall chart until the other person has 
vanished, then quickly enters Scotty's office--Acting like a detective, 
she scouts around--We see a monitor which is flickering silently--On it 
we see Neely Pritt reporting live from the Leisure Center. 
Sc. 61 Leisure Center 
{Party in full swing.  Everyone dressed to their notion of what is 
correct--formal to overdressed--casual to bizarre.} 
NEELY:  An' so if you're a follower of exotic fashion you'll find plenty 
to keep you going here in Denton tonight...and naturally, feeling the 
excitement and not wishing to stick out like a sore thumb I had to get 
an outfit of my own' this is it... 
{She tries at first to be the reporter in a funny costume but then we 
see a look in her eyes that says...*LOOK* at *ME*.} 
Sc. 62 Dentonvale 
{We see a flashlight playing around the room.  It settles on a desk 
drawer...We close in on it and see a hand open it...We see that it is 
Oliver...He takes out some passports...They read: Brazil ... Switzerland 
... and Morocco... He flips them open and we see a Cosmo and Nation 
Harding... Cosmo and Nation Coolidge... Cosmo and Nation Fillmore... 
Oliver sighs with satisfaction... 
OLIVER: Quacks! 
{The door rattles...Oliver kills the light.  He crosses to the door and 
slowly turns the tumbler lock...Then with the quickness of a much 
younger man he throws the door open and grabs the person on the other 
side...It's Ricky!  He's terrified by Oliver's commando outfit.} 
OLIVER: Well, well!  An accessory before and after the fact if ever I 
saw one. 
{Ricky looks more startled.} 
OLIVER: {bluffing}  Brad Majors' room and hurry, otherwise you become 
the first martyr of the revolution. 
RICKY: {bluffed}  Revolution?  Ah--sure, this way. 
Sc. 63 Leisure Center 
{The crowd surges around us like a stormy sea...Amidst cries of "Get 
your T-shirts and posters" and enthusiastic greetings from the crowd we 
veer over to Brenda Drill who's organising some kids into a cheer squad. 
In the background Oscar Drill's band is tuning up.} 
BRENDA: Okay?  So let's do the "J-A-N-E-T" again.  {They chant the 
letters}  Yeah, that's okay...right...*I'm* going to walk down with 
*her*, okay... and *you'll* be waiting down here to clear a path for 
*her* to come out... and *she* and *I* will come through and *you* do 
the chant...Meanwhile *I* think one of us should wait outside *her* 
room.  Why don't we all go? 
{They race away...We pan with them.  The noise of the crowd surges up 
and our image blurs with moving bodies...} 
Sc. 64 Dentonvale 
{Ricky and Olly are helping Brad (who is still wearing a strait jacket) 
along the corridor.  As they pass the phone it starts to ring--there is 
a moment of indecision--Olly picks it up and holds it out for the three 
of them to listen.} 
Sc. 65 The Leisure Center 
{The boys have tuned up.  The crowd roar.  Ralph steps up to the mike.} 
RALPH:  Ladies and gentlemen--Denton's own--with --{he reads} "A 
Suburban Garage Sound".  Let's hear it for Oscar Drill and the Bits. 
{The crowd cheer--guitars rip into intro.} 
Sc. 66 TV Station 
{Betty's on the phone in Scotty's office.  She holds the 'Denton 
Dossier' turning the pages to 'Twins Tragedy' clip} 
BETTY:  Oliver?  You were right.  I just can't believe it. 
OLIVER: {V.O.} This is one time charity didn't begin at home. 
{Betty turns page to reveal baby and adult photos of Brad/Farley--twins} 
BETTY:  And they're so alike. 
{We pan up to the monitor and "The Bits".} 
Sc. 67 Leisure Center 
{Oscar is singing his heart out} 
SONG: "Breaking-Out" 
OSCAR:  I know how it feels to be coolin' my heels 
        I've been down on them long enough 
        But if I take to them now 
        Then maybe somehow 
        You'll see through the bluff 
        Of my playing it tough 
Sc. 68 Dentonvale 
{Brad in strait jacket is piled into ambulance by Oliver and Ricky.} 
BRAD:   Where are we going? 
Oliver: To a family reunion. 
Sc. 69 Leisure Center 
OSCAR:  I've been a lifetime on deposit 
        And that's a long time in the closet 
        And if you say to me 'How was it?' 
        It was hard taking that heart breaking 
        God-forsaken route 
        But I'm b-b-b-breaking out. 
Sc. 70  Dentonvale 
{Ambulance roars through the night} 
Sc. 71  Leisure Center 
{Janet's suite.  We hear Oscar on P.A.  Macy helps her dress.  She 
stares, frozen, into a mirror.} 
OSCAR: {V.O.} 
        You may say that you'd choose 
        To be in my shoes 
        But look what it did for me 
        I got buried alive 
        I don't thrive on that jive 
        Look and you'll see 
        That my spikes don't fit me 
Sc. 72 Leisure Center 
{Crowd, led by Brenda, dance up a storm.} 
CHORUS: We've been a lifetime on deposit  
        That's a long time in the closet 
Sc. 73 Denton streets 
{Betty puts her foot down in the VW.  A helicopter is heard.} 
        And if you say to us 'How was it?' 
        It was hard taking that heart breaking 
        God-forsaken route 
        But we're b-b-b-breaking out 
{Helicopter passes overhead} 
Sc. 74 Leisure Center 
{Big finish--band and chorus go wild} 
CHORUS: We're b-b-b-breaking out. 
{Helicopter is heard.  Cries of "It's him", "Farley's arrived", etc. as 
everyone rushes upstairs to rooftop. 
Sc. 75 Rooftop -- Leisure Center 
{Chopper lands.  Flashbulbs pop.  Fireworks ignite.  Farley steps out, 
greeted by Ralph and Scotty.  Flavors takes big breath and smiles and 
{Neely Pritt moves towards Farley Flavors.  She keeps turning to 
camera and treating us as viewers.} 
NEELY:  And so at last he's here--the man who is responsible for 
tonight's festivities. 
{She reaches him and shoves the microphone at him.} 
NEELY: {continues}  Mr Flavors--may we have a moment of your time? 
FARLEY {magnanimous}:  Sure thing. 
NEELY:  We've heard rumours that you're going to unveil more than just 
the Leisure Center tonight.  Is this true? 
FARLEY: Perfectly correct. 
NEELY:  Could you tell us a little about it? 
FARLEY: Let's just say that I'm putting Sanity back on the menu of this 
great Nation of ours. 
NEELY:  And how does "local girl" Janet Majors fit into the scheme of 
FARLEY: Very nicely -- 
{He catches Ralph's arm and moves away from Neely.} 
FARLEY {aside to Ralph indicating Janet's picture} {continues} That 
billing's too big. 
{Ralph smarts, then indicates to Macy, 'Take it down.'  Parker follows 
with pilot. 
PILOT {ironically} Nice little town you've got here. 
VANCE:  {grim} We like it. 
{Fireworks explode.} 
Sc. 76 Road to Center 
{Ambulance traveling with Brad and Oliver.  Ricky drives.} 
OLIVER: Since you were separated at birth, he's followed your every 
move...and he's resented you all these years. 
BRAD:   And Janet? 
OLIVER: She represents everything he was denied. 
{Fireworks explode} 
Sc. 77 Leisure Center 
{Farley, Ralph, Scotty, Mac and Nation are seated around boardroom table 
in Farley's suite.  A picture of Farley hovers behind them and cigar 
smoke fills the air.  Macy stands at the door.  Farley winds up a 
stirring speech.} 
FARLEY: ...and she represents everything that our customers want. 
Innocence, decency and the illusion of a happy ending. 
MACY: {stepping though door} I'll go get her. 
FARLEY: And behind her image the Dentonvale Chain of Take-Away Therapy 
will thrive in the capable hands of two great ethical intellects 
operating on the frontiers of medical science {indicating Mac and 
Nation} ... coupled with the managerial genius of... {Scotty mouths 
"Ralph"} Ralph.  All under the firm guidance of a great survivor in the 
treacherous sea of diplomacy-- Everett Scott. 
{Applause.  Meeting breaks up.  Ralph and Scotty inspect 'product 
display' -- therapy cassettes, domestic restraint jackets, brochures 
entitled 'A Menu for Sanity', etc.  Farley crosses to Mac and Nation.} 
FARLEY: I'd like to thank you for taking the neurosis out of Janet's 
{Door opens.  Macy escorts Janet in.  She stares at Farley.} 
FARLEY: {continues} Janet! 
JANET:  {amazed at resemblance} Brad! 
Sc. 78 Exterior Leisure Center. 
{Betty's VW pulls in front of building.  She is illuminated by fireworks 
as she steps out of car.  A siren sounds behind her and she turns to see 
the ambulance pull into the entrance.  TV trucks surround with monitors 
and PA systems.} 
RALPH and VO: And here she is!  Our very own!  America's Pride!  The 
World's Example!  Janet...The Sensation of the Planet!  {cheers}  We 
bring you...MISS MENTAL HEALTH. 
{The crowd go wild...Oliver, Betty, Brad and Ricky run up stairs to 
entrance.  Guard on steps observes Brad's strait jacket.} 
GUARD: {to other sentry}  That guy's sure to win the costume prize. 
Sc. 79 Leisure Center Interior 
{We hear a fanfare and see Janet appear at the far end of the pool...she 
steps onto a catwalk which is running the entire length of the 
pool...Nation, Mac and Scotty are waiting on a festooned dais above the 
diving board...Nation has the microphone.} 
NATION: {PA} Isn't she lovely? 
MOM: {shouts} Mommy and Daddy love you, baby. 
NATION: {PA} She walks in beauty... 
MOM: {shouts} We love you, baby. 
NATION: {PA} We all love Janet...Who do we love? 
ALL: {shout} *JANET*!! 
NATION: {PA} The dress Janet is wearing has been given by Creme de la 
Creme Modes of Downtown Denton, and we've been asked that you take note 
of the individual styling and exquisite tailoring...This is just one of 
the many gifts that have been so freely and generously given to Janet, 
the first of (we hope) many Miss Mental Healths... 
{Brenda Drill preens at this remark.} 
ALL: Hooray. 
VOICE IN THE CROWD:  Let the President through. 
{We pick up Oliver, Betty, Brad at the far end of the pool...they can't 
get through the crowd.  Ricky has found Ansalong.} 
BETTY: {to Oliver} {astonished} The President's here...etc. 
{The crowd parts and we see a rather nasty little man pop out.} 
PRESIDENT:  I'm Irwin Lappsy...President of Lappsy Auto...I have here in 
my hand some keys...keys that I want to give to this little Lady that's 
being honoured here tonight...And I wanna tell you...that if this same 
little Lady takes these same keys out to the parking lot right outside 
this wonderful Leisure Complex...She'll find that they fit 
something...and what that something a...*BRAND NEW*...*ULTRA DE 
*RADIO*...*TAPEDECK*...*WASHABLE SEAT COVERS* and many many more' it's all hers for absolutely free. 
{He hands *Mac* the keys.} 
ALL:    Wow...Yeah...Hooray. 
MOM:    You're beautiful, baby. 
{Ralph steps back to the mike intercepting Mac who had the same idea.} 
RALPH:  Well, Janet's absolutely speechless, ladies and gentlemen.  But 
that's alright.  Because we don't need her to talk...We just need her to 
meet someone who needs no introduction......... 
{Crowd cheer} 
CROWD: {scream} FLAVORS! 
{Fanfare.  Farley enters grinning and waving.  Cheers as he approaches 
microphone.  Scotty pipes in organ underscoring--preacher style.} 
FARLEY: My friends.  Tonight, in declaring this temple of leisure 
officially open, we are taking the first step of defiance and starting 
something that will grow so big that the whole world will reverberate to 
its sound.  And wherever our slogan 'SANITY AND VANITY' is uttered it 
will be linked incontrovertibly with this night...this town...and... 
{Farley approaches Janet.} 
BRAD: {shouts from crowd} SEDUCER! 
FARLEY: {amazed} And who are you, Sir! 
BRAD: {defiant} Your twin brother! 
                And your accuser! 
{General consternation.  Janet looks from one to another.  They are 
indeed identical.} 
JANET:  Brad!  {Runs to him} 
MAC: {to Parker}  Arrest that man!  He's committed to our care. 
JANET: {to Mac} I never signed the papers.  He's not going anywhere. 
OLIVER: {to Farley} To revenge your twin--you tried to abuse her. 
FARLEY: This is all very sad and you're very confused, sir. 
BRAD:   Then why did you choose her? 
FARLEY: I don't.  I refuse her. 
        And you!... 
SONG: "Duel-Duet" 
{During this song the twins confront each other on the cat's 
like a jousting tournament.} 
FARLEY: You're a abomination  
        In the eyes of any sensitive man 
BRAD:   An' you're a blind alley cruiser 
        Always heading down a losing straight 
        Dreamin' that you're screamin' at fate 
        You're a dead-end, dead-beat no-where mister 
        With a kiss like a Mississippi alligator's sister 
FARLEY: I've took as much of you as any man can 
        You've lost your heart 
BRAD:   You've lost your cause 
FARLEY: You lost your baby when you lost your balls 
        You've lost your mind, you've lost your grip 
        So say bye bye 
BRAD:   We lost our mom, we lost our dad 
        An' if I'm losing you, well that's just too bad 
FARLEY: Well, the best thing you could ever die 
BRAD:   You're a failure... 
        A malformation in the guise of many, an also-ran 
FARLEY: An' you're a weeper and a wailer 
        Always treading on the toes of the great 
        Generally spreading your weight 
        You're a spiteful, hateful asinine creature 
        A pupil with no scruples who knew better than the teacher 
BRAD:   I've took as much of you as any man can 
FARLEY: You've lost your heart 
BRAD:   You've lost your cause 
FARLEY: You lost your baby when you lost your balls 
        You've lost your mind, you've lost your grip 
        So say bye bye 
BRAD:   We lost our home and our family 
        You've lost compassion, now you're losing me 
FARLEY: The best thing you could ever do is die 
BRAD:   The best thing you could ever do is die 
BOTH:   The best thing you could ever do is die 
{They finish up nose to nose screaming at each other...Farley trips Brad 
who falls backwards into pool.  Janet rushes to him.} 
FARLEY: Take no notice of him.  He's mad. 
BRAD: {spluttering} I'm as sane as you are.  Saner! 
{Mac grabs microphone.} 
MAC: {PA} And he was only with us for a day. 
{Crowd jeer and laugh.  Ralph takes mike.} 
RALPH:  I hope Mr. Flavors will accept apologies on behalf of Denton for 
this unfortunate incident.  *Everyone* wants to be related to the great. 
{Crowd laugh--deriding Brad.  Janet comforts him.  Farley takes mike. 
FARLEY: No offence!  On the contrary, this is a perfect examples of what 
we're here to combat.  {He points at Brad, Janet, Oliver and Betty.  He 
shouts--chanting} Out!  Out!  Out! 
{The crowd pick up chant until 'Out, out, out' becomes a deafening roar 
and this quartet retreat in fear of their lives.  the crowd roar turns 
to cheers.} 
FARLEY: {triumphant} See how we got rid of that little problem. 
*United*!  And that's how we're gonna clean up the minds of a nation. 
{Cheers, whistles and take-away goods are being distributed.  Brenda 
nudges Ralph--Ralph indicates her to Farley.} 
FARLEY: {continues} {PA} {to Brenda}  Would you care to join me up 
here, Miss, as we inaugurate the Farley Flavors Fabulous Dentonvale 
Sanatorium...first of a chain that will span from coast to coast and 
from continent to continent...Step up, please, Miss...? 
BRENDA: Brenda...Brenda Drill. 
BRENDA'S MOTHER: Mommy loves you, Baby! 
{Janet's mom looks suicidal...Dad consoles} 
MOM:    What a nerve!  What a mouth! 
DAD:    Shut up, Ruby, and listen to a success story. 
NEELY PRITT: {in tears} I can't stand it.  Everything good always 
happens to other people. 
NATION: {sotto voce} This could be worse than the old days. 
COSMO:  In the old days we didn't have a convertible. 
{He rattles the keys.} 
Sc. 80  Steps of Leisure Center 
{Outside the Leisure Center we see Brad, Janet, Betty and Oliver take 
shelter from the steps.} 
FARLEY'S VOICE: {from TV monitors} And remember.  Sanity today is the 
path to a more hygienic tomorrow. 
{We hear the tiny voice of Neely Pritt coming from a TV mobile unit.} 
NEELY: {VO}  And Fast Food Giant Farley Flavors has given Miss Mental 
Health what can only be described as an official kiss of approval and 
the crowd are loving it...Not much is known of the girl who stepped out 
of the crowd here tonight and into the shoes......etc. 
{The quartet are glum.  Janet's photograph is lowered in the 
JANET:  Was I a victim of his heart 
        Or a victim of his schemes 
        Did he love me or resent you 
        Like a player in his dreams 
{Crowd roars.  Images from 'inside' punctuate the following.} 
BRAD:   Why don't we all get out of here 
        There's nothing left to lose? 
BETTY:  No.  We have the power to think and feel 
        We have the power to choose. 
{Crowd roars.} 
OLIVER: There's a cancer here among us 
        And it's gnawing at the heart 
        We can shake off the fetters 
        Of quacks and go-getters 
        And the way to begin -- is start! 
{Music starts abruptly.  They sing and dance down the steps.} 
SONG: "Anyhow! Anyhow!" 
QUARTET: Some people do it for compassion 
        Some people do it for the fashion 
        Some people do it to be funny 
        Some people do it for the money 
        Some people do it for enslavement 
        Some people do it on the pavement 
{They dance through the deserted streets.  We see the night sky bright 
with twinkling stars.} 
QUARTET: We're gonna do it anyhow! Anyhow! 
        We're gonna do it anyhow! Anyhow! 
        We're gonna do it -- no matter how the wind is blowing 
        We're gonna do it anyhow! Anyhow! 
        We're gonna do it anyhow! Anyhow! 
        We're gonna do it -- We just gotta keep going 
        Some people do it for each other {Brad and Janet smile} 
        Some people do it for their lovers {everyone smiles} 
        Some people do it for improvement {Oliver smiles} 
        Some people do it for the movement {Betty smiles} 
        Some people do it for enjoyment 
        Some people do it for employment 
{People of Denton have moved--mass baptism style--into the pool.  Some 
wear strait jackets.  Farley presides.  Many seem to be drowning.  Some 
hold back.  Ricky, Ansalong, Glish and Oscar shake their heads and 
        Denton! Denton! You've got no pretention! 
        You're where the heart is! You're okay! 
        Denton! Denton! I'd just like to mention 
        You're the acceptable face of the human race 
        You're Denton! Denton! ...Denton, USA. 
{The quartet are superimposed over the pool image marching bright-eyed 
into the camera.  They look wonderful.} 
QUARTET: We're gonna do it -- no matter how the wind is blowing 
        We're gonna do it anyhow! Anyhow!  
        We're gonna do it -- We just gotta keep going. 
{The quartet are joined by Ricky, Ansalong, Oscar and Glish -- like a 
band of outsiders.  Meanwhile the Leisure Center lights up in neon 
lights like a giant fast food chainstore...All the windows are 
barred...Shadows of people move inside...Security guards patrol...The 
sign reads: 
                        FARLEY FLAVORS FABULOUS 
                        *DENTONVALE SANATORIUM* 
                  COAST TO COAST -- SANITY AND VANITY 
                DIR: Dr. E.V. Scott (Vienna) MAN: R. Hapshatt 
                        "IT ALL STARTED HERE" 
OUTSIDERS:      We're gonna do it -- We just gotta keep going. 
                                --THE END--